Yesterday has been quite an emotional day. My friends and I were soaking our feet at the De Yuan and i didn't say a single thing. I broke down the moment Syafqin came to ask me what happened. Felt so silly that I've broke down in front of them twice and they have to be there to console me. Still not feeling alright, till now. Things really struck me hard yesterday as I thought about how people usually were not concerned about me when I was young. Parents were always fighting, my siblings and I had a great generation gap in the past, somehow or rather I was stigmatized for being fat. In my Primary school days, my friends made fun of me. The malay boys called me fat, my Chinese friends did that too. But sometimes I would tolerate it, because they were my only friends and if I ever flip, I'll lose them and that's even more pathetic. Everyday I had to live with people calling me names. Sometimes even the girls called me fat. That eventually made me realise that no one really wants to friend with me, no one really cares about how I feel and no one really cares for me. Even if they did, it will only be an obligation - because I'm nice to them. That's the reason why I don't like to give birthday presents to others, because that will give them the obligation to give me a birthday present as well and I really hate that. I believed that people will give me genuine care if they want to, and not driven by obligation. I felt really horrible as to how everything you did was actually obligations, at least that's how you made me feel. When I tried to get out of my negative thoughts I had in the past, things like these happened. I'm thankful for all my friends, namely Syafiqin, Adil and Hakim. They asked me to go to their prayers area and I told them why I broke down, felt much better after I've rant to them. They are the people that kept me going when I'm facing difficulties and its gonna be another emotional crisis if I were to think about how we're going to leave each other soon and proceed with our own lives. I hope we still keep in touch after the As.

Just came back from the cremation of my late great grandfather. It was an emotional yet a delightful 4-day period. It was delightful because I got to bond more with cousins and got to talk more with them. I realized that they are super sick already at such a young age! Children nowadays... 

The period was rather emotional and it's not because I miss my great grandfather. I'm never close to him and I mentioned to my mum that he scold my grandmother frequently for no reason and I didn't really like him. It was emotional because the funeral reminded me of the funeral of my late great grandmother. The first thing was obvious, I missed my great grandmother. Whenever I visit her, she will look at me in the eye and give her brightest smile, and murmured something into my ear in dialect. I wasn't able to comprehend what she said, but I can feel that she still recognize me and she's glad to see me. The demise of my great grandmother impacted me quite a bit but I don't feel much for my great grandfather's. The second thing was worst. On the fourth day of the funeral 2 years ago, my mum attempted to commit suicide. As I returned home from the funeral that night, I saw my mum tipping her toes, looking at the ground floor from above. I asked her, "What are you doing?" She said, "Oh nothing I was just looking at the scenery." I felt something strange but I guessed that I was just being paranoid. Thereafter, she brought a chair out to the corridor as she peeked into my room... I ran over immediately as I grab my mum. I didn't know what to do or what to say, so I broke down and begged her not to commit suicide. She cried too, and said " I'm sorry Wei Jie I don't want live anymore... Just let me die... ". I was really in a state of shock and I simply repeat my words for the whole time. Thankfully she didn't commit suicide, but I was living in fear for the whole week. That night after she came back into the house, I told her that I'm gonna stay up the whole night, I would let her do foolish things. For the whole week, I didn't dare to go home. It was during my O level period, I used studies as a form of escapism. I'm afraid that I'll return home one day, and saw my grandma weeping over my mum's body. For that period, I went home after midnight, when everything was peaceful at last, at least on the surface. My heart pounded as I opened the house door, and then came a huge relief when I know that everything was fine. One of the worst period of my life, I was faced with mental struggles as I try to concentrate in school. My mum didn't want anyone to know, and I felt horrible for keeping such a big matter to myself, when I was then younger. 

Feeling really empty right now. This morning, I dreamt that my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and his days are numbered... I felt relieved when I woke up and realise that it was just a dream. I felt better but right now I feel horrible and it's inexplicable. I was pissed at my sister last week for giving my mum false hope. She whatsapped me that she was coming back the next day and asked me to notify Mom. I told my Mom about it and she waited for my sister for the whole day. The worst part of all, she didn't show up. My Mom called her and my sister said that she has patched up with her girlfriend and she's not moving back anymore. Before I leave the house the next morning, my Mom informed me about it and she sounded really helpless, she looked lost and its clear that she wants my sister to move back with her very badly. The night before that morning, she asked me "Aren't you happy that Xue Ting is moving back tomorrow?" I said that "I'm indifferent" but deep down inside, I wasn't very happy at all. She dumped me during my darkest period last year and went on to stay with her friend, and now she's coming back? That morning, I was raging as soon as I left the house. I was really affected for the whole day and the whole time, I was thinking about my Mom's facial expression when she told me that my sister is not moving back. Just a few days ago, she whatsapped me again and told me that she's coming back for sure, I didn't tell my Mom, I didn't reply her. I was thinking of sending her a text, "When you said that you're coming back the other time, Mommy was so happy. This time, I'm not going to tell her, you're going to tell her that you're 'home' when you finally come back." I didn't send it out. I'm never in a good position to say this kind of thing to my sister because we were never close. There seems to be a gigantic generation gap between us and I feel that there's nothing much for us to talk about, our lifestyles are completely different and its difficult for us to relate to one another. At least for my brother, I can safely say that our maturity level was rather comparable even though we're 6 years apart and we're heading towards the same educational route. Whatever it is, I'm happy as long as my Mum is happy.

Joycelyn was crying the other day and she asked me to study with her so that she will stop crying. When I arrived at Mac, she was still crying and I tried asking her what happened but she didn't wanna tell me. Thereafter, she wrote me a note that mentioned that her grandfather was diagnosed with a 4th stage lung cancer and the doctor informed her family that they must be prepared. He may not live for the next 6 months or so. I wrote a note back to her that she can cry in front of me without me judging her and I don't want her to cry at home, because I'm sure her grandfather do not want her to be in this state, worrying about him. I reflected about her issue when i was walking home, still raging about my sister's self-centered act, as I think about how an important person in your life will be gone within a month, a day or even a minute, before you can start treasuring them. My sister is my family member after all and I think I should be more forgiving towards her. I'm sure my Mom didn't want my sister and I to fall out. As a mother, I'm sure that she wants her children to live harmoniously under the same roof, or at least, don't rage a conflict with one another. I've decided to let it go.

Yesterday night, an uncle who was poorly dressed approached me for lunch money as he said that he was diagnosed with cancer. He said that he needed the money for his lunch tomorrow and I gave him $5 without doubting him. He told me that it was very embarrassing for him to ask people for money and I fully understand how he feels. A few years back, I forgot to bring my phone out and I needed to contact my friend. I tried to borrow a phone from someone and 3 person shunned me off. The last person told me that he didn't have his phone with him initially, and then he asked me why do I need the phone for. I told him that I needed to contact my friend nearby and he pulled out his phone and lend me. These are the self-centered people we have in our society that lacks empathy towards the others. Many people will not give money to a stranger, but do they realise that the uncle is actually someone else's dad? Would you want your dad to be treated the same as you treat those strangers when he needed help? Or rather, would you want to be treated the same way as you treat those strangers before when you grow old with the same circumstances? When I grow up, I may not have kids, I may be poor (I really do not want to be rich), I may not have another half to take care of me. But what i really want is that the people in my society take care of one another, and help each other when in need.

Things have not been great for me recently. This period is really tough and I've no idea how much I can endure this. Promos was fine simply because I've too much intangible problems that the pain of studying was numbed and I can keep going for hours. I've gotten back my Prelim results and I've obtained 41 points after the moderation. If I were to artificially add in my Biology and Maths results, I would have obtained 63.5 points. The vocational assessment cost me 22.5 rank points of my prelims and I hope that my sacrifice would earn me a position in the commando force. I'm secretly proud of my 63.5 rank points but at the same time, I'm still worried for my GP, Biology and History. Those are my weakest subjects and GP alone can kill me and make me retake my whole A level exam. I'm yearning for at least an 80 points for my A levels and to achieve that, I need to secure at least a C for my GP, which was rather a challenging task for me.. I really hope that whatever that I'm doing now is gonna be worthwhile in the future. I'm seldom having negative in my studies but this time, I'm really having doubts in myself.

Emily just told me a few days back that she feels that I'm a happy-go-lucky person but deep inside, I'm worrying about tons of problems in my life. Ai Ling said almost the same thing before, she said that I look worried all the time as if I'm thinking about something. Am I really that readable?! I do have tons of problems but I do wanna lead a normal life like everyone else. If I were to wallow in self-pitying every single day, blaming my parents for giving me such a bad life, I would have missed out tons of amazing and beautiful thing in my life. I can't change what happened to me, but I can change how I deal with it. I wanna be positive. I must be positive. I will be positive.

I was faced with anxiety for the entire week, getting more and more insecure as the A levels is nearing. We had a session where we have to close our eyes and keep our mind relaxed. Somehow or rather, our minds were engaged by Mrs Wong's words... Here are my thoughts.

Imagine you've have received your results... how did you do?
My result slip shows AAB/C, C for GP. I cried when I received the results simply because I aimed for all As except for a B in GP.
You called the person that you cared the most.. who is it.. what did you say?
I called my mum, and as I was weeping, I told her that I've disappointed her. Technically I will not disappoint her because she has never wanted me to work too hard and she will never put pressure on me. She even asked me not to go out and study but take a break from study.
You met your favourite teacher.. who is it.. what did you say?
In my mind, there were two teachers - Ms Ong Shu Hui and Mr Sala. I went to Ms Ong and showed her my results. She told me once that "In band, the person I want to see the most to be on stage is you.". I felt that I've disappointed her when she had such high hope in me. She comforted me but I still felt horrible for myself.

After the session, I questioned myself why am I feeling so negatively about myself and why was it so emotional when it was supposed to be a session where you imagined yourself marching up the stage, receiving your results slip pridefully and we try to work towards our goal. Many thoughts went through my mind and it really all boils down to my confidence issues once again. My studies are relatively well-managed compared to my peers but I never have beliefs in myself that I'll do well for my A levels. I felt like my confidence level has dropped once again, ever since term 4 has started. Everyday was productive for me due to my fear and I hope I'm managing my studies well at a good pace. 

Studies seemed to be my priority now and I'm hardly distracted nowadays. My friends do mention your name occasionally, and somehow or rather my heart sank every time i hear your name. I didn't have the time to figure out why. Haven't been talking to you for almost a week, I hope you're doing fine. Sometimes I do think about you, though having a feeling of amiss, at least I still get to see your smile. I wanna talk to you, but I don't wanna be a pest. Looking at you from afar as I tell myself that you're so near yet so far. 

An entry that I've written on my phone on 12 September:
I've just finished a plate of Spaghetti and the greens were left behind. As I look to my left, there's a pair of grandma and granddaughter. They were cracking jokes around as they were waiting for their food arrival. They seems happy and I felt a sense of enviousness along with a heartfelt warmness. Great things that I do not have, I wish others will have more. It's always nice to see family members together spending time with one another. Guess what, I even ate my greens so that I can glance at them a little longer. 

It was a exciting day today :)

Firstly, it was the chat that I had with my Mum. I asked her about the past - those times that we had when we were still living in Hougang Ave 4 and Punggol. She told me that among the 3 of us, I gave her the least problems and she often get frustrated easily by my brother. There's this time where my brother was playing his toys and I went to join him. He turned his back on me and continued playing his toy. My Mum scolded him really bad because she was angry that my brother didn't dote on me hahahaha. It was nice talking about the past, and knowing that my Mum is finally back. She's officially conscious and she's back in a right state of mind. She realised her mistakes and we should all forgive her. After all we all made mistakes and we want others to give us a chance to repent. She mentioned that my Dad loves his occupation as a carpenter and that explains why our old house was filled with all the DIY furniture that were made by him. It may not be a high salary occupation but I respected him for doing what he likes. Others' dad might be a white collar job-holders but I'm not afraid of telling people that my Dad is a carpenter, simply because I'm proud of him. I wanna be like him in the future, having an occupation that I've passion in. If you love your occupation, you do not have to work a single day. My Mum also mentioned that she has a lot of suitors in the past but my Dad is the best candidate among all :) You lucky boy Daddy *brofist*

Secondly, it was the time that I had in Esplanade. I went for dinner with Joelynn and Joey at ThaiExpress and I proceeded to the Esplanade Library to study for my History. When the library close, I went up to the roof terrace while waiting for my two princesses. I glanced at the scenery and my mind was blank. I have no idea why. Probably it was my mind that signaled to me that it's an exciting day and I shouldn't be thinking about the unhappy stuff. It was really peaceful. Two couples were right beside me, enjoying the same scenery. I imagine myself bringing my girlfriend to the roof terrace and tell her how I felt about her from the start and how important she's to me. But if only I have one. Then came two taiwanese girls that were asking for directions to the Esplanade fountain. I have no clues about the fountain and I went online to search. I broke the ice and talked to them about Singapore and they told me a bit about Taiwan as well. We had a good chat for almost 1 hour. It's the first time that I've made Taiwanese friends and it feels very good to know that actually Singaporeans and Taiwanese do not differ much from one another. We spoke almost the same language except for a few words like "drain" (we call it long-gou but they call it shui-gou). I demonstrated the Singaporean accent to them and I told them the unique behaviors and characteristic of the Singaporeans. I'm glad that I've met them and gained some enlightenment regarding Taiwan :)

I was trembling the whole day and I have no idea why. Probably because of the dream that I had last night that made me feel insecure. I dreamed that my Dad lied to me about his visits to China and I was angry with him. What a timid person am I, easily frightened by things, even dreams. There were little surprises here and there and they all made this day memorable. Thirdly, most importantly, the unexpected long encouraging text from a girl that made me smile instantaneously :) 

A family of 4 is right beside me now, enjoying their dinner at MacDonald. The elder son is approximately 3 year-old. His mum was feeding him with fries while he was playing his iPad. She asked him to get back to his seat when he started running around. His dad led him to the toilet to wash his hands after his meal. It's a joy to see the family being so blissful but at the same time, I have a feeling of amiss. After all that I've been through, I have become mentally stronger. The challenges ahead of him were never worse than what I've been through. "I had worst, this is nothing." I said that to myself every time I'm facing difficulties. However, the hell that i've been through didn't make me emotionally stronger, I'm still an emotionally insecure person. Happy families are all around me. I feel terrible, I feel insecure, I feel weak. I feel like I've lost a big part of my life that will never going to be coming back.

I've not been going for Chinese New Year visiting for 3 years, simply because I don't wanna face happy families among my relatives that could possibly make me envious of them. We are the only family that was separated. I almost forgot that its a tradition for Chinese family to come together during CNY eve to have a reunion dinner. I've forgotten how it feels like to enjoy a sumptuous dinner together as a family, as i could remember vaguely when was the last time I had a family dinner. The CNY eve reunion dinner in 2009 was the last. I remembered that my brother just returned home from his 1 month of BMT and we had our steamboat feast in our Punggol home. For these 3 years, I numbed my jealousy, my sadness with part-time job every CNY eve and day 1-3 just so that I could escape temporarily from the hard reality. Things happened to me all too quickly and it made me emotionally weaker, and weaker. I've tried to move on, but all these meant so much to me, I can never forsake my past, no matter how dreadful it was. I wish I could tell the elder son, "Appreciate what you have currently before its all gone right before your eyes."

I'm living today with a sunken heart. I'm worried for my dad, really worried. I felt really unsafe for him, worrying what will happen to him to China. I was having breakfast with my mum in the living room today and I was thinking of what to reply if she ask me whether i'll be celebrating Daddy's birthday. Thankfully, she didn't ask. Dad didn't want me to tell her that he has gone to China and I felt really horrible for lying to my Mum. I've never enjoyed lying and she's the last person that I'd lie to. Its really painful to see my mum in this state, living day by day with no courage to step out and face the society. She faced confidence issues ever since she was admitted into IMH. 

As I'm writing this blog entry, the person with the mental condition similar to my mum tapped me on the shoulder and showed me her 'boyfriend'. She has no idea what she's talking about, the illness has taken control of her mind. When she tapped on my shoulder for the 2nd time, she asked me to stand up and look at a 'handsome guy' in MacDonald. I refused for a few times and I finally agreed after the 4th time. As I stood up, the girl (a stranger) beside me pressed me down, signalling me to ignore the person and get back to my seat. I told the girl that "its alright" as I stood up to "look" at the handsome guy. Although I didn't see the guy, I responded "Yeah he's handsome." I didn't flare up, others might flare up and probably pushed her aside. People may see her as a crazy person, I see her as my 'Mum'. As much as I don't want anyone to treat my mum like this when she was inflicted with the mental illness, I don't want to treat this person with no respect. I gave her the attention that she needed and she got back to her seat. They developed these illness partly because of the lack of love and understanding from the people. Sometimes, we just have to learn to empathize with people who are different from us.

As I'm writing this blog entry, it's 14 minutes more into 3rd September, my father's birthday.

I texted my brother:

Me: Tomorrow is dad's birthday right? Will he be free?

B: Yup! But he went China for vacation, dont let mum knows about it, he wouldn't like it. He will be back on the 10th.

Me: When did he go? He went with his friends?

B: I think he went alone. He wanna see the world, that's what he said.

Me: Feel so unsafe for him, which part of China?
B: Shen Zheng, should be okay bah.

It was painful for me to know that he has to celebrate his own birthday alone, again. In 2010, my mum was admitted to the hospital and he didn't want us to celebrate his birthday. It will appear that we are enjoying while my mum are suffering inside and my dad didn't want that. In 2011, My dad's relative died and he said that he was unable to celebrate his birthday. Before my family broke up, we never had a tradition of celebrating birthdays. When I became more matured and learned to be more appreciative, reality doesn't allow me to do so. When we were still living under the same roof, he told me that he wants to explore the world, he doesn't want to work in Singapore for his whole life. Now that he has finally fulfilled his dream, I'm happy for him. At the same time, i was really, really worried. China may not be a safe place and the worst part, my dad is going there alone. He called me on Friday and told me that he has deposited my monthly allowance into my bank account. He talked to me about Commando, asking if I've made up my decision of being one. he said that he will support my decision and asked me to go for it if i'm selected. I was guessing that he called me before he departed from Singapore. I can imagine how he's feeling at that point of time. He didn't tell me that he was going to Shen Zheng, he didn't want me to worry for him, he didn't want my mum to know about it. He always put up a strong front. A strong front with all the sorrows and sadness buried right underneath that seemingly cold heart. It seems like I've inherited that from him. I've been too busy with my studies and neglected him through these 2 years. I wanna show my appreciation as he gets back into Singapore, I hope reality allows me to do that. I hope that he will come back to Singapore in one piece.

Its 12.16am, 3rd September 2012. Happy Birthday Daddy. <3

I just watched a video of a woman scratching her private part in the MRT and I was honestly disgusted. Not disgusted by the woman, but the person that filmed the woman. Who in the RIGHT MIND will scratch their private part knowing that its inappropriate? Obviously the woman has mental illness that renders her unable to make the right judgement. Shame on the videographer, his lack of empathy towards the less-than-perfect people. He may treat it as a joke, he may gain popularity as more people viewed the video. He's doing all these at the expense of the woman. We should always try to put ourselves in other's shoe, treat people like how you want to be treated. I'm truly disgusted and all I wish for is for him to be punished severely, and serves as a reminder for the society to be more sensitive towards the less-than-perfect people.

I talked to some of my classmates today and they mentioned about writing the School Graduation Certificate(SGC) for one another in the class. They said that they were quite worried about me. I was supposed to write for Dhivya. They were afraid that I might write negative things about her and her SGC might be tarnished. Yes I don't like the way she behaves, but I'm not going to go to the extent of tarnishing her SGC. She may be disrespectful to the teachers in class, she may be inconsiderate for the classes next door. However, I believe that at some point in her life, she will realize her mistakes and change for the better. Everyone deserves the opportunity to do that. Its gonna be unfair for her to receive a SGC that will follow her till death, with her past records reflected black and white on a piece of paper. What goes around, comes around. As much as I want to receive a second chance to right the wrongs, I'm willing to do the same for the others. 

As usual, I went to macdonald to study for my History. Sat beside were a pair of mother and daughter. In the beginning, I was quite disturbed by the daughter, who talked very loud and commented on strangers ridiculously. Then, I sense some familiarity. It was my mum. My mum had the same condition 2 years ago as she went into extreme depression. My Mum was violent and she didn't know what she were doing, her mind was not in a right state. As I observed the daughter, I drew some similarities between my mum and her. As the daughter walked away from her Mother, I told her mother "Hey, I understand how it feels, my mum had the same condition as her. Is she under medication?" That's when I realized that her Mum thought it was normal for her to behave in that manner. I told her about my mum's condition and let her know that she will turned into violent mode if she's not under proper medication. As she speaks to me, it was clear that she hadn't thought through her words before it was voiced out. Just like my mum, after she was admitted to the hospital, she didn't say those stuff that often anymore and she frankly had a peaceful inner mind at last. I told her Mum,"Dragging her all the way to the mental hospital may seems heartless, but you know you still have to do it, it's the best for her." I just had to say it, it's the best for both of them. 

Horn section 2008/09

I just got to know that Jian He (the guy in blue) has got a sister in SRJC, which was pretty mind-blowing considering that I've seen her a few times already. When i got home, I browsed through the photos on 2010 countdown. Its the day I spent with my little juniors at Jian He's house for BBQ. It was a great session, I talked to them regarding band and how much I disliked the system in my secondary school band. We also did a bit of gossiping hehehe. Yes I really miss my little children. During my time as a Section leader, I was the strictest among all and my instructor often praise our section for learning the songs the fastest! Although I was strict, I strike a balance with them. During sectionals we would enjoy ourselves and sectionals will always be the time when we look forward to. The days spent with them were priceless and I wish I could relive them. Cloey left the band as soon as I stepped down from band. I was devastated. It seems like our section has broken up. I didn't stop her from quitting band. I didn't wanna be so selfish. She went into dance and she was happy with it, I'm happy for her too. Desmond is the approachable guy, often asking me random questions that freaks me out! He was the closest to me among the 3 of them. Jian He is the cranky guy, some say he looks like me!  

 BBQ at Jian He's house.

 We are a bunch of cam-whores.

 We were mimicking someone that we gossiped about :)

 Jian He's little sister kept chasing after Desmond! 

 Lady Gaga!

 The horn family: Jian He, Desmond, Khalissa, Siti, Cloey, Angeline.

At the parade! [yes i clipped up my hair]

My cousins are here right now, reciting tongue twisters and singing some i-think-is-korean songs. They came with their parents, walking into the house, greeting the elderly warmly. I almost forgot how it seems like to pay a visit to grandma's house as a family. Its been 3 years since my family were separated and I moved to here, my mother's side grandma house. The separation has never been better, and worse.

The times when we were still intact as a family were full of screaming and fighting between my mum, my brother and my dad. In week, my mum and my brother would quarrel at least once in 5 days, and my parents would quarrel once per week. I would note the frequency of the conflicts and praise them if they didn't quarrel for 1 week (bad move i know). Nearing the separation, they would fight and scream in the middle of the night. Sometimes I see my dad sitting at the bench right below my block, eyes slightly red. My mum would lock herself in the room, occasionally scream at my brother when he gets back from army. This went on for nearly 3-4 months and that's when I started to lose the parental love that I used to have. Yes I cried, simply because i cared too much. My sister is just self-centred, minded her own business inside the room and ignored all the commotions outside the room. Life was great for her i guess, simple living her own world, being apathetic towards the surrounding matters.

It was a great relief when my parents were finally separated on 30 September 2009. No more screaming, no more fighting. There comes another problem, my grandfather and my uncle. Till today, living with them has never been worse. I felt unwanted and at times wallowing in self-pitying on why was I even born. Tough times come one right after. They said i didn't respect my grandfather, does he even deserve my respect? He can't even talk nice to his wife who has been washing his clothes and cooking his meal. He has to shout at my grandma when she talks in such a gentle tone. My little cousins greet him, but I wouldn't. I'm sorry for not being like those ignorant cousins who know nothing with regards to how my grandfather treats my grandma. I cant accept that, I rather get scolded for not respecting him than to pretend that I really do. My uncle, like father like son. Both of them do not deserve my respect.

I can remember vaguely the things they said to me, "You better call your dad to get a house and get out of this house." Every time they said that, I would imagine myself running to my dad, hugging him and he would tell me "Son, everything is over." I could do that, I should do that, but i wouldn't do that. When my mum was in IMH, i told my mum that my sister left grandma's house and stayed with her friends at Tampines. My mum cried and said, "My children are leaving me one by one". I can never forget how tears roll out of her eyes, helplessly hoping that my sister would come back. It was so hurtful. My sister left me alone with them. My sister left her during her toughest time, I can never bring myself to do that. When I told her that I stayed at my dad's house for one night, she cried again and said "You're the only one left with me, I don't know what will I do if you're gone, please don't leave me." That's the reason why I said I wouldn't leave her. I stayed strong and thick-skinned over here, enduring all scolding and discrimination from them. Yes I cried all the time. I cried after every storm. But afterwards, i feel stronger than ever.

It was a tough period for me. Sometimes I really miss the times when we were still intact as a family, living under the roof together. One night, I dreamt about my house in Punggol, it was a peaceful Sunday morning. I walked out of my room and went inside my sister's room. Her room was messy as usual and she had herself hidden under that thick blanket. I walked out of the room into the living room, my brother was watching the television. I went into the kitchen to get some food and .... I woke up from my dream. It was a sweet dream afterwards, getting back into a place where I seek comfort in. The consciousness I had was painstaking, feels like a stake has pierced right through my heart, realising that Everything Is Gone, Its Never Gonna Come Back. I cried when I watched the last episode of The Vampire Diaries Season 3. Elena dreamt about her past. She woke up on a normal school day, getting ready for her class. She went downstairs to have breakfast and told Aunt Jenna that "Jeremy has locked himself in the bathroom again, he thinks we don't know what he is doing in there?" She greeted her mum with a kiss and ... she woke up from that dream. She was in a hospital, it was all pitched dark, all alone. Aunt Jenna and her mum was dead long ago. Reality hits her hard, her loved ones are gone. I felt the pinch when I watched that scene as I remembered the time when I woke up from my sweet little dream.  

Post Vocational Assessment

My body is still aching right now, but it certainly feels great knowing that I've pushed myself beyond my limits. Friends were all asking me, "How was the vocational assessment?" I dare not answer them confidently that the Lieutenant has said that i'm selected for Commando already. I'm afraid that I might be given a false hope about getting into Commando unit and I didn't want to become a laughing stock when I wasn't actually selected at the end of the day. Confidence issue. That's the problem that I've been dealing with for the past few years, till now. I'm afraid of judgement, to a certain extent. I don't want to boast about my future position in Commando and for all I know, people might be judging me as insensitive. I'm just gonna wait till I receive my confirmation letter before I let my friends know the truth.

Preliminary Examination

I just did the math paper 2 this morning at 8am. It was tough, it wasn't as manageable as I hope it to be. I was complacent. I told my friends that the paper was difficult, but deep down inside, there's a tiny voice reciting in my head "You could have done much better if you weren't so complacent." Yes I know. Ever since i got back my Mid-Year results, I've never gone for math consultation. I devoted my time on GP, History and Bio. Out of the 3 subjects, I can hardly say that I can pass any of it. It wasn't a good strategy, for all my JC exam, I have been relying on my maths and chemistry to secure my decent rank points. I will do pretty badly for this Prelim. No point crying over spilled milk, but I still have to face the reality. I'm gonna work harder, I promise myself.

The Expendables II

It was kinda sort of a class outing, with some boys from other classes. We watched Expendables II at NEX and it has been a long time since I watched a great movie. Finally, after all the viral Chuck Norris jokes that I've read over the internet, I got to see Chuck Norris starring in a movie. One of my favourite part: "Hey Norris, I heard you got bitten by a Cobra." "Yes I did. And after 5 days of agonizing pain, the Cobra finally died." Yes I enjoyed myself, as always. As long as I'm with these cranky people, I feel like myself. How i wish these moments will never end. We went Long John Silver after the movie for our lepak session. We mocked each other's unique behaviors and talked about our eyecandies/crushes. Yes we behaved like a secondary school kid. But its our last 3 months, after the 3 months, we're going to be responsible for our actions and words. Considering that we are still students, why not behave like one? 

Memories from Cambodia

I miss Cambodia. I miss the kids. I miss how I played games with them. I miss how they held my hands. I miss how they made little things for us. I miss how we made bracelets together. I miss how we did colourings together. I miss how we treasure every drops of water. I miss group 3. I miss the time we spent together. I miss the nonsense we did in the hotel room. I miss everything about Cambodia. 

Here are some pictures that we took in Cambodia:

 I was teaching them a handshake which I did with most of them as an icebreaker.

 Check out my dimples. Hahahaha.

These are the little kids that we did the colourings with.

Have I mention that these Cambodia kids are camwhores? 

Back in the days where its perfectly normal for little boys and girls to hold hands.

Vocational Assessment

Woke up early in the morning, got my ready for my first-ever vocational assessment for the Commando unit.

Its been a long time since I took a long bus ride. I took 89 all the way to Hendon Camp. i overshot my bus journey, and ended in a taxi.

We were allocated into different details, I was in detail 1. 

Many thoughts went through my head: What if I didn't make it for Commando because of my heart condition? What if I'm posted to another unit which I wouldn't be enjoying myself? What if I regret my choice? I was quite regretful to declare my heart condition when i first came for this assessment, worrying that it will affect my suitability. Enough of the worries, i interacted with the person behind me, he's Alfred. He is from Pioneer JC and he wasn't interested in Cammando initially. Not only him, I know Daniel from JJC, and 4 other people. 2 of them were from Australia and Canada, coming back to Singapore to serve the army. We went through Psycho-motor and Physical assessment which I think I did relatively bad for both. 

During the interview, it went like this: (L) - lieutenant (W) - Me

L: Good Afternoon, I'm Lieutenant Foong. Take a sit.

He shook my hand.

L: Do you know why you're here for?

W: Yes I do.

L: Do you have any queries for me?

In my mind there were a lot of questions for him, and I have no idea which question should I post to him.

W: Erm.. I heard that in Commando unit, teamwork is more important than leadership. Is that true?

L: Yes indeed. After all the Commandos returned from their respective departments, you will realise the power of teamwork.

Halfway through, I mentioned to him regarding my dilemma between Prelims and VA.

L: So the fact that you chose to give up Prelims mean that you're really interested?

W: Yes, I'm really interested and passionate for it.

L: Great, that's all I need to know.

I was dumbfounded, but at the same time elated that I didn't come all the way for nothing. To reconfirm his words....

W: What are the odds of me getting into Commando?

L: There are no odds. Well, I believe in volunteerism. If you want to do it, I know you will do it well. You're in.

I left the interview station feeling accomplished. He may not make the final decision and I may not make it into Commando, but i left the station with a takeaway: Never be afraid to speak up. I spoke up for myself, I told him that i want to be a Commando. That's when he saw my sincerity and gave me his words that I'm in for Commando. 

I left the Hendon camp at 3pm. I've forgotten to say bye to Chun Wee and Sherman. Our detail left together and departed at the bus stop. At the bus stop, we remained silent. In the camp, we were the most bonded bunch of people, we shared about our JC lives and mocked about Alfred's unwillingness to join Commando. It was a great day with them, the great companions that I've ever met in a long time. When my bus came, I told them, "So er.. I'm gonna see all of you again except for Alfred isn't it?". I said bye to them and boarded the bus. What I really meant when I said that: "I'm gonna miss all of you." That's our (boys) problem. We never get mushy. I felt close to them even though we have only interacted for 3 hours and the moment when we departed, I had a feeling of amiss. I really hope we'll meet again.

A new blog, a new beginning.

I've decided to blog once again. Decided not to confine my thoughts in a diary.

I want to be more open to the world, express my thoughts and emotions as much I could.

I learned that to earn trust from someone, you have to start trusting people.

I trust my friends whom I'm giving my blog links to, because they are the ones that care, and share.