Feeling really empty right now. This morning, I dreamt that my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and his days are numbered... I felt relieved when I woke up and realise that it was just a dream. I felt better but right now I feel horrible and it's inexplicable. I was pissed at my sister last week for giving my mum false hope. She whatsapped me that she was coming back the next day and asked me to notify Mom. I told my Mom about it and she waited for my sister for the whole day. The worst part of all, she didn't show up. My Mom called her and my sister said that she has patched up with her girlfriend and she's not moving back anymore. Before I leave the house the next morning, my Mom informed me about it and she sounded really helpless, she looked lost and its clear that she wants my sister to move back with her very badly. The night before that morning, she asked me "Aren't you happy that Xue Ting is moving back tomorrow?" I said that "I'm indifferent" but deep down inside, I wasn't very happy at all. She dumped me during my darkest period last year and went on to stay with her friend, and now she's coming back? That morning, I was raging as soon as I left the house. I was really affected for the whole day and the whole time, I was thinking about my Mom's facial expression when she told me that my sister is not moving back. Just a few days ago, she whatsapped me again and told me that she's coming back for sure, I didn't tell my Mom, I didn't reply her. I was thinking of sending her a text, "When you said that you're coming back the other time, Mommy was so happy. This time, I'm not going to tell her, you're going to tell her that you're 'home' when you finally come back." I didn't send it out. I'm never in a good position to say this kind of thing to my sister because we were never close. There seems to be a gigantic generation gap between us and I feel that there's nothing much for us to talk about, our lifestyles are completely different and its difficult for us to relate to one another. At least for my brother, I can safely say that our maturity level was rather comparable even though we're 6 years apart and we're heading towards the same educational route. Whatever it is, I'm happy as long as my Mum is happy.

Joycelyn was crying the other day and she asked me to study with her so that she will stop crying. When I arrived at Mac, she was still crying and I tried asking her what happened but she didn't wanna tell me. Thereafter, she wrote me a note that mentioned that her grandfather was diagnosed with a 4th stage lung cancer and the doctor informed her family that they must be prepared. He may not live for the next 6 months or so. I wrote a note back to her that she can cry in front of me without me judging her and I don't want her to cry at home, because I'm sure her grandfather do not want her to be in this state, worrying about him. I reflected about her issue when i was walking home, still raging about my sister's self-centered act, as I think about how an important person in your life will be gone within a month, a day or even a minute, before you can start treasuring them. My sister is my family member after all and I think I should be more forgiving towards her. I'm sure my Mom didn't want my sister and I to fall out. As a mother, I'm sure that she wants her children to live harmoniously under the same roof, or at least, don't rage a conflict with one another. I've decided to let it go.

Yesterday night, an uncle who was poorly dressed approached me for lunch money as he said that he was diagnosed with cancer. He said that he needed the money for his lunch tomorrow and I gave him $5 without doubting him. He told me that it was very embarrassing for him to ask people for money and I fully understand how he feels. A few years back, I forgot to bring my phone out and I needed to contact my friend. I tried to borrow a phone from someone and 3 person shunned me off. The last person told me that he didn't have his phone with him initially, and then he asked me why do I need the phone for. I told him that I needed to contact my friend nearby and he pulled out his phone and lend me. These are the self-centered people we have in our society that lacks empathy towards the others. Many people will not give money to a stranger, but do they realise that the uncle is actually someone else's dad? Would you want your dad to be treated the same as you treat those strangers when he needed help? Or rather, would you want to be treated the same way as you treat those strangers before when you grow old with the same circumstances? When I grow up, I may not have kids, I may be poor (I really do not want to be rich), I may not have another half to take care of me. But what i really want is that the people in my society take care of one another, and help each other when in need.

Things have not been great for me recently. This period is really tough and I've no idea how much I can endure this. Promos was fine simply because I've too much intangible problems that the pain of studying was numbed and I can keep going for hours. I've gotten back my Prelim results and I've obtained 41 points after the moderation. If I were to artificially add in my Biology and Maths results, I would have obtained 63.5 points. The vocational assessment cost me 22.5 rank points of my prelims and I hope that my sacrifice would earn me a position in the commando force. I'm secretly proud of my 63.5 rank points but at the same time, I'm still worried for my GP, Biology and History. Those are my weakest subjects and GP alone can kill me and make me retake my whole A level exam. I'm yearning for at least an 80 points for my A levels and to achieve that, I need to secure at least a C for my GP, which was rather a challenging task for me.. I really hope that whatever that I'm doing now is gonna be worthwhile in the future. I'm seldom having negative in my studies but this time, I'm really having doubts in myself.

Emily just told me a few days back that she feels that I'm a happy-go-lucky person but deep inside, I'm worrying about tons of problems in my life. Ai Ling said almost the same thing before, she said that I look worried all the time as if I'm thinking about something. Am I really that readable?! I do have tons of problems but I do wanna lead a normal life like everyone else. If I were to wallow in self-pitying every single day, blaming my parents for giving me such a bad life, I would have missed out tons of amazing and beautiful thing in my life. I can't change what happened to me, but I can change how I deal with it. I wanna be positive. I must be positive. I will be positive.