A family of 4 is right beside me now, enjoying their dinner at MacDonald. The elder son is approximately 3 year-old. His mum was feeding him with fries while he was playing his iPad. She asked him to get back to his seat when he started running around. His dad led him to the toilet to wash his hands after his meal. It's a joy to see the family being so blissful but at the same time, I have a feeling of amiss. After all that I've been through, I have become mentally stronger. The challenges ahead of him were never worse than what I've been through. "I had worst, this is nothing." I said that to myself every time I'm facing difficulties. However, the hell that i've been through didn't make me emotionally stronger, I'm still an emotionally insecure person. Happy families are all around me. I feel terrible, I feel insecure, I feel weak. I feel like I've lost a big part of my life that will never going to be coming back.

I've not been going for Chinese New Year visiting for 3 years, simply because I don't wanna face happy families among my relatives that could possibly make me envious of them. We are the only family that was separated. I almost forgot that its a tradition for Chinese family to come together during CNY eve to have a reunion dinner. I've forgotten how it feels like to enjoy a sumptuous dinner together as a family, as i could remember vaguely when was the last time I had a family dinner. The CNY eve reunion dinner in 2009 was the last. I remembered that my brother just returned home from his 1 month of BMT and we had our steamboat feast in our Punggol home. For these 3 years, I numbed my jealousy, my sadness with part-time job every CNY eve and day 1-3 just so that I could escape temporarily from the hard reality. Things happened to me all too quickly and it made me emotionally weaker, and weaker. I've tried to move on, but all these meant so much to me, I can never forsake my past, no matter how dreadful it was. I wish I could tell the elder son, "Appreciate what you have currently before its all gone right before your eyes."

I'm living today with a sunken heart. I'm worried for my dad, really worried. I felt really unsafe for him, worrying what will happen to him to China. I was having breakfast with my mum in the living room today and I was thinking of what to reply if she ask me whether i'll be celebrating Daddy's birthday. Thankfully, she didn't ask. Dad didn't want me to tell her that he has gone to China and I felt really horrible for lying to my Mum. I've never enjoyed lying and she's the last person that I'd lie to. Its really painful to see my mum in this state, living day by day with no courage to step out and face the society. She faced confidence issues ever since she was admitted into IMH. 

As I'm writing this blog entry, the person with the mental condition similar to my mum tapped me on the shoulder and showed me her 'boyfriend'. She has no idea what she's talking about, the illness has taken control of her mind. When she tapped on my shoulder for the 2nd time, she asked me to stand up and look at a 'handsome guy' in MacDonald. I refused for a few times and I finally agreed after the 4th time. As I stood up, the girl (a stranger) beside me pressed me down, signalling me to ignore the person and get back to my seat. I told the girl that "its alright" as I stood up to "look" at the handsome guy. Although I didn't see the guy, I responded "Yeah he's handsome." I didn't flare up, others might flare up and probably pushed her aside. People may see her as a crazy person, I see her as my 'Mum'. As much as I don't want anyone to treat my mum like this when she was inflicted with the mental illness, I don't want to treat this person with no respect. I gave her the attention that she needed and she got back to her seat. They developed these illness partly because of the lack of love and understanding from the people. Sometimes, we just have to learn to empathize with people who are different from us.