My cousins are here right now, reciting tongue twisters and singing some i-think-is-korean songs. They came with their parents, walking into the house, greeting the elderly warmly. I almost forgot how it seems like to pay a visit to grandma's house as a family. Its been 3 years since my family were separated and I moved to here, my mother's side grandma house. The separation has never been better, and worse.
The times when we were still intact as a family were full of screaming and fighting between my mum, my brother and my dad. In week, my mum and my brother would quarrel at least once in 5 days, and my parents would quarrel once per week. I would note the frequency of the conflicts and praise them if they didn't quarrel for 1 week (bad move i know). Nearing the separation, they would fight and scream in the middle of the night. Sometimes I see my dad sitting at the bench right below my block, eyes slightly red. My mum would lock herself in the room, occasionally scream at my brother when he gets back from army. This went on for nearly 3-4 months and that's when I started to lose the parental love that I used to have. Yes I cried, simply because i cared too much. My sister is just self-centred, minded her own business inside the room and ignored all the commotions outside the room. Life was great for her i guess, simple living her own world, being apathetic towards the surrounding matters.
It was a great relief when my parents were finally separated on 30 September 2009. No more screaming, no more fighting. There comes another problem, my grandfather and my uncle. Till today, living with them has never been worse. I felt unwanted and at times wallowing in self-pitying on why was I even born. Tough times come one right after. They said i didn't respect my grandfather, does he even deserve my respect? He can't even talk nice to his wife who has been washing his clothes and cooking his meal. He has to shout at my grandma when she talks in such a gentle tone. My little cousins greet him, but I wouldn't. I'm sorry for not being like those ignorant cousins who know nothing with regards to how my grandfather treats my grandma. I cant accept that, I rather get scolded for not respecting him than to pretend that I really do. My uncle, like father like son. Both of them do not deserve my respect.
I can remember vaguely the things they said to me, "You better call your dad to get a house and get out of this house." Every time they said that, I would imagine myself running to my dad, hugging him and he would tell me "Son, everything is over." I could do that, I should do that, but i wouldn't do that. When my mum was in IMH, i told my mum that my sister left grandma's house and stayed with her friends at Tampines. My mum cried and said, "My children are leaving me one by one". I can never forget how tears roll out of her eyes, helplessly hoping that my sister would come back. It was so hurtful. My sister left me alone with them. My sister left her during her toughest time, I can never bring myself to do that. When I told her that I stayed at my dad's house for one night, she cried again and said "You're the only one left with me, I don't know what will I do if you're gone, please don't leave me." That's the reason why I said I wouldn't leave her. I stayed strong and thick-skinned over here, enduring all scolding and discrimination from them. Yes I cried all the time. I cried after every storm. But afterwards, i feel stronger than ever.
It was a tough period for me. Sometimes I really miss the times when we were still intact as a family, living under the roof together. One night, I dreamt about my house in Punggol, it was a peaceful Sunday morning. I walked out of my room and went inside my sister's room. Her room was messy as usual and she had herself hidden under that thick blanket. I walked out of the room into the living room, my brother was watching the television. I went into the kitchen to get some food and .... I woke up from my dream. It was a sweet dream afterwards, getting back into a place where I seek comfort in. The consciousness I had was painstaking, feels like a stake has pierced right through my heart, realising that Everything Is Gone, Its Never Gonna Come Back. I cried when I watched the last episode of The Vampire Diaries Season 3. Elena dreamt about her past. She woke up on a normal school day, getting ready for her class. She went downstairs to have breakfast and told Aunt Jenna that "Jeremy has locked himself in the bathroom again, he thinks we don't know what he is doing in there?" She greeted her mum with a kiss and ... she woke up from that dream. She was in a hospital, it was all pitched dark, all alone. Aunt Jenna and her mum was dead long ago. Reality hits her hard, her loved ones are gone. I felt the pinch when I watched that scene as I remembered the time when I woke up from my sweet little dream.
The times when we were still intact as a family were full of screaming and fighting between my mum, my brother and my dad. In week, my mum and my brother would quarrel at least once in 5 days, and my parents would quarrel once per week. I would note the frequency of the conflicts and praise them if they didn't quarrel for 1 week (bad move i know). Nearing the separation, they would fight and scream in the middle of the night. Sometimes I see my dad sitting at the bench right below my block, eyes slightly red. My mum would lock herself in the room, occasionally scream at my brother when he gets back from army. This went on for nearly 3-4 months and that's when I started to lose the parental love that I used to have. Yes I cried, simply because i cared too much. My sister is just self-centred, minded her own business inside the room and ignored all the commotions outside the room. Life was great for her i guess, simple living her own world, being apathetic towards the surrounding matters.
It was a great relief when my parents were finally separated on 30 September 2009. No more screaming, no more fighting. There comes another problem, my grandfather and my uncle. Till today, living with them has never been worse. I felt unwanted and at times wallowing in self-pitying on why was I even born. Tough times come one right after. They said i didn't respect my grandfather, does he even deserve my respect? He can't even talk nice to his wife who has been washing his clothes and cooking his meal. He has to shout at my grandma when she talks in such a gentle tone. My little cousins greet him, but I wouldn't. I'm sorry for not being like those ignorant cousins who know nothing with regards to how my grandfather treats my grandma. I cant accept that, I rather get scolded for not respecting him than to pretend that I really do. My uncle, like father like son. Both of them do not deserve my respect.
I can remember vaguely the things they said to me, "You better call your dad to get a house and get out of this house." Every time they said that, I would imagine myself running to my dad, hugging him and he would tell me "Son, everything is over." I could do that, I should do that, but i wouldn't do that. When my mum was in IMH, i told my mum that my sister left grandma's house and stayed with her friends at Tampines. My mum cried and said, "My children are leaving me one by one". I can never forget how tears roll out of her eyes, helplessly hoping that my sister would come back. It was so hurtful. My sister left me alone with them. My sister left her during her toughest time, I can never bring myself to do that. When I told her that I stayed at my dad's house for one night, she cried again and said "You're the only one left with me, I don't know what will I do if you're gone, please don't leave me." That's the reason why I said I wouldn't leave her. I stayed strong and thick-skinned over here, enduring all scolding and discrimination from them. Yes I cried all the time. I cried after every storm. But afterwards, i feel stronger than ever.
It was a tough period for me. Sometimes I really miss the times when we were still intact as a family, living under the roof together. One night, I dreamt about my house in Punggol, it was a peaceful Sunday morning. I walked out of my room and went inside my sister's room. Her room was messy as usual and she had herself hidden under that thick blanket. I walked out of the room into the living room, my brother was watching the television. I went into the kitchen to get some food and .... I woke up from my dream. It was a sweet dream afterwards, getting back into a place where I seek comfort in. The consciousness I had was painstaking, feels like a stake has pierced right through my heart, realising that Everything Is Gone, Its Never Gonna Come Back. I cried when I watched the last episode of The Vampire Diaries Season 3. Elena dreamt about her past. She woke up on a normal school day, getting ready for her class. She went downstairs to have breakfast and told Aunt Jenna that "Jeremy has locked himself in the bathroom again, he thinks we don't know what he is doing in there?" She greeted her mum with a kiss and ... she woke up from that dream. She was in a hospital, it was all pitched dark, all alone. Aunt Jenna and her mum was dead long ago. Reality hits her hard, her loved ones are gone. I felt the pinch when I watched that scene as I remembered the time when I woke up from my sweet little dream.
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