Feeling really empty right now. This morning, I dreamt that my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and his days are numbered... I felt relieved when I woke up and realise that it was just a dream. I felt better but right now I feel horrible and it's inexplicable. I was pissed at my sister last week for giving my mum false hope. She whatsapped me that she was coming back the next day and asked me to notify Mom. I told my Mom about it and she waited for my sister for the whole day. The worst part of all, she didn't show up. My Mom called her and my sister said that she has patched up with her girlfriend and she's not moving back anymore. Before I leave the house the next morning, my Mom informed me about it and she sounded really helpless, she looked lost and its clear that she wants my sister to move back with her very badly. The night before that morning, she asked me "Aren't you happy that Xue Ting is moving back tomorrow?" I said that "I'm indifferent" but deep down inside, I wasn't very happy at all. She dumped me during my darkest period last year and went on to stay with her friend, and now she's coming back? That morning, I was raging as soon as I left the house. I was really affected for the whole day and the whole time, I was thinking about my Mom's facial expression when she told me that my sister is not moving back. Just a few days ago, she whatsapped me again and told me that she's coming back for sure, I didn't tell my Mom, I didn't reply her. I was thinking of sending her a text, "When you said that you're coming back the other time, Mommy was so happy. This time, I'm not going to tell her, you're going to tell her that you're 'home' when you finally come back." I didn't send it out. I'm never in a good position to say this kind of thing to my sister because we were never close. There seems to be a gigantic generation gap between us and I feel that there's nothing much for us to talk about, our lifestyles are completely different and its difficult for us to relate to one another. At least for my brother, I can safely say that our maturity level was rather comparable even though we're 6 years apart and we're heading towards the same educational route. Whatever it is, I'm happy as long as my Mum is happy.

Joycelyn was crying the other day and she asked me to study with her so that she will stop crying. When I arrived at Mac, she was still crying and I tried asking her what happened but she didn't wanna tell me. Thereafter, she wrote me a note that mentioned that her grandfather was diagnosed with a 4th stage lung cancer and the doctor informed her family that they must be prepared. He may not live for the next 6 months or so. I wrote a note back to her that she can cry in front of me without me judging her and I don't want her to cry at home, because I'm sure her grandfather do not want her to be in this state, worrying about him. I reflected about her issue when i was walking home, still raging about my sister's self-centered act, as I think about how an important person in your life will be gone within a month, a day or even a minute, before you can start treasuring them. My sister is my family member after all and I think I should be more forgiving towards her. I'm sure my Mom didn't want my sister and I to fall out. As a mother, I'm sure that she wants her children to live harmoniously under the same roof, or at least, don't rage a conflict with one another. I've decided to let it go.

Yesterday night, an uncle who was poorly dressed approached me for lunch money as he said that he was diagnosed with cancer. He said that he needed the money for his lunch tomorrow and I gave him $5 without doubting him. He told me that it was very embarrassing for him to ask people for money and I fully understand how he feels. A few years back, I forgot to bring my phone out and I needed to contact my friend. I tried to borrow a phone from someone and 3 person shunned me off. The last person told me that he didn't have his phone with him initially, and then he asked me why do I need the phone for. I told him that I needed to contact my friend nearby and he pulled out his phone and lend me. These are the self-centered people we have in our society that lacks empathy towards the others. Many people will not give money to a stranger, but do they realise that the uncle is actually someone else's dad? Would you want your dad to be treated the same as you treat those strangers when he needed help? Or rather, would you want to be treated the same way as you treat those strangers before when you grow old with the same circumstances? When I grow up, I may not have kids, I may be poor (I really do not want to be rich), I may not have another half to take care of me. But what i really want is that the people in my society take care of one another, and help each other when in need.

Things have not been great for me recently. This period is really tough and I've no idea how much I can endure this. Promos was fine simply because I've too much intangible problems that the pain of studying was numbed and I can keep going for hours. I've gotten back my Prelim results and I've obtained 41 points after the moderation. If I were to artificially add in my Biology and Maths results, I would have obtained 63.5 points. The vocational assessment cost me 22.5 rank points of my prelims and I hope that my sacrifice would earn me a position in the commando force. I'm secretly proud of my 63.5 rank points but at the same time, I'm still worried for my GP, Biology and History. Those are my weakest subjects and GP alone can kill me and make me retake my whole A level exam. I'm yearning for at least an 80 points for my A levels and to achieve that, I need to secure at least a C for my GP, which was rather a challenging task for me.. I really hope that whatever that I'm doing now is gonna be worthwhile in the future. I'm seldom having negative in my studies but this time, I'm really having doubts in myself.

Emily just told me a few days back that she feels that I'm a happy-go-lucky person but deep inside, I'm worrying about tons of problems in my life. Ai Ling said almost the same thing before, she said that I look worried all the time as if I'm thinking about something. Am I really that readable?! I do have tons of problems but I do wanna lead a normal life like everyone else. If I were to wallow in self-pitying every single day, blaming my parents for giving me such a bad life, I would have missed out tons of amazing and beautiful thing in my life. I can't change what happened to me, but I can change how I deal with it. I wanna be positive. I must be positive. I will be positive.

I was faced with anxiety for the entire week, getting more and more insecure as the A levels is nearing. We had a session where we have to close our eyes and keep our mind relaxed. Somehow or rather, our minds were engaged by Mrs Wong's words... Here are my thoughts.

Imagine you've have received your results... how did you do?
My result slip shows AAB/C, C for GP. I cried when I received the results simply because I aimed for all As except for a B in GP.
You called the person that you cared the most.. who is it.. what did you say?
I called my mum, and as I was weeping, I told her that I've disappointed her. Technically I will not disappoint her because she has never wanted me to work too hard and she will never put pressure on me. She even asked me not to go out and study but take a break from study.
You met your favourite teacher.. who is it.. what did you say?
In my mind, there were two teachers - Ms Ong Shu Hui and Mr Sala. I went to Ms Ong and showed her my results. She told me once that "In band, the person I want to see the most to be on stage is you.". I felt that I've disappointed her when she had such high hope in me. She comforted me but I still felt horrible for myself.

After the session, I questioned myself why am I feeling so negatively about myself and why was it so emotional when it was supposed to be a session where you imagined yourself marching up the stage, receiving your results slip pridefully and we try to work towards our goal. Many thoughts went through my mind and it really all boils down to my confidence issues once again. My studies are relatively well-managed compared to my peers but I never have beliefs in myself that I'll do well for my A levels. I felt like my confidence level has dropped once again, ever since term 4 has started. Everyday was productive for me due to my fear and I hope I'm managing my studies well at a good pace. 

Studies seemed to be my priority now and I'm hardly distracted nowadays. My friends do mention your name occasionally, and somehow or rather my heart sank every time i hear your name. I didn't have the time to figure out why. Haven't been talking to you for almost a week, I hope you're doing fine. Sometimes I do think about you, though having a feeling of amiss, at least I still get to see your smile. I wanna talk to you, but I don't wanna be a pest. Looking at you from afar as I tell myself that you're so near yet so far. 

An entry that I've written on my phone on 12 September:
I've just finished a plate of Spaghetti and the greens were left behind. As I look to my left, there's a pair of grandma and granddaughter. They were cracking jokes around as they were waiting for their food arrival. They seems happy and I felt a sense of enviousness along with a heartfelt warmness. Great things that I do not have, I wish others will have more. It's always nice to see family members together spending time with one another. Guess what, I even ate my greens so that I can glance at them a little longer. 

It was a exciting day today :)

Firstly, it was the chat that I had with my Mum. I asked her about the past - those times that we had when we were still living in Hougang Ave 4 and Punggol. She told me that among the 3 of us, I gave her the least problems and she often get frustrated easily by my brother. There's this time where my brother was playing his toys and I went to join him. He turned his back on me and continued playing his toy. My Mum scolded him really bad because she was angry that my brother didn't dote on me hahahaha. It was nice talking about the past, and knowing that my Mum is finally back. She's officially conscious and she's back in a right state of mind. She realised her mistakes and we should all forgive her. After all we all made mistakes and we want others to give us a chance to repent. She mentioned that my Dad loves his occupation as a carpenter and that explains why our old house was filled with all the DIY furniture that were made by him. It may not be a high salary occupation but I respected him for doing what he likes. Others' dad might be a white collar job-holders but I'm not afraid of telling people that my Dad is a carpenter, simply because I'm proud of him. I wanna be like him in the future, having an occupation that I've passion in. If you love your occupation, you do not have to work a single day. My Mum also mentioned that she has a lot of suitors in the past but my Dad is the best candidate among all :) You lucky boy Daddy *brofist*

Secondly, it was the time that I had in Esplanade. I went for dinner with Joelynn and Joey at ThaiExpress and I proceeded to the Esplanade Library to study for my History. When the library close, I went up to the roof terrace while waiting for my two princesses. I glanced at the scenery and my mind was blank. I have no idea why. Probably it was my mind that signaled to me that it's an exciting day and I shouldn't be thinking about the unhappy stuff. It was really peaceful. Two couples were right beside me, enjoying the same scenery. I imagine myself bringing my girlfriend to the roof terrace and tell her how I felt about her from the start and how important she's to me. But if only I have one. Then came two taiwanese girls that were asking for directions to the Esplanade fountain. I have no clues about the fountain and I went online to search. I broke the ice and talked to them about Singapore and they told me a bit about Taiwan as well. We had a good chat for almost 1 hour. It's the first time that I've made Taiwanese friends and it feels very good to know that actually Singaporeans and Taiwanese do not differ much from one another. We spoke almost the same language except for a few words like "drain" (we call it long-gou but they call it shui-gou). I demonstrated the Singaporean accent to them and I told them the unique behaviors and characteristic of the Singaporeans. I'm glad that I've met them and gained some enlightenment regarding Taiwan :)

I was trembling the whole day and I have no idea why. Probably because of the dream that I had last night that made me feel insecure. I dreamed that my Dad lied to me about his visits to China and I was angry with him. What a timid person am I, easily frightened by things, even dreams. There were little surprises here and there and they all made this day memorable. Thirdly, most importantly, the unexpected long encouraging text from a girl that made me smile instantaneously :) 

A family of 4 is right beside me now, enjoying their dinner at MacDonald. The elder son is approximately 3 year-old. His mum was feeding him with fries while he was playing his iPad. She asked him to get back to his seat when he started running around. His dad led him to the toilet to wash his hands after his meal. It's a joy to see the family being so blissful but at the same time, I have a feeling of amiss. After all that I've been through, I have become mentally stronger. The challenges ahead of him were never worse than what I've been through. "I had worst, this is nothing." I said that to myself every time I'm facing difficulties. However, the hell that i've been through didn't make me emotionally stronger, I'm still an emotionally insecure person. Happy families are all around me. I feel terrible, I feel insecure, I feel weak. I feel like I've lost a big part of my life that will never going to be coming back.

I've not been going for Chinese New Year visiting for 3 years, simply because I don't wanna face happy families among my relatives that could possibly make me envious of them. We are the only family that was separated. I almost forgot that its a tradition for Chinese family to come together during CNY eve to have a reunion dinner. I've forgotten how it feels like to enjoy a sumptuous dinner together as a family, as i could remember vaguely when was the last time I had a family dinner. The CNY eve reunion dinner in 2009 was the last. I remembered that my brother just returned home from his 1 month of BMT and we had our steamboat feast in our Punggol home. For these 3 years, I numbed my jealousy, my sadness with part-time job every CNY eve and day 1-3 just so that I could escape temporarily from the hard reality. Things happened to me all too quickly and it made me emotionally weaker, and weaker. I've tried to move on, but all these meant so much to me, I can never forsake my past, no matter how dreadful it was. I wish I could tell the elder son, "Appreciate what you have currently before its all gone right before your eyes."

I'm living today with a sunken heart. I'm worried for my dad, really worried. I felt really unsafe for him, worrying what will happen to him to China. I was having breakfast with my mum in the living room today and I was thinking of what to reply if she ask me whether i'll be celebrating Daddy's birthday. Thankfully, she didn't ask. Dad didn't want me to tell her that he has gone to China and I felt really horrible for lying to my Mum. I've never enjoyed lying and she's the last person that I'd lie to. Its really painful to see my mum in this state, living day by day with no courage to step out and face the society. She faced confidence issues ever since she was admitted into IMH. 

As I'm writing this blog entry, the person with the mental condition similar to my mum tapped me on the shoulder and showed me her 'boyfriend'. She has no idea what she's talking about, the illness has taken control of her mind. When she tapped on my shoulder for the 2nd time, she asked me to stand up and look at a 'handsome guy' in MacDonald. I refused for a few times and I finally agreed after the 4th time. As I stood up, the girl (a stranger) beside me pressed me down, signalling me to ignore the person and get back to my seat. I told the girl that "its alright" as I stood up to "look" at the handsome guy. Although I didn't see the guy, I responded "Yeah he's handsome." I didn't flare up, others might flare up and probably pushed her aside. People may see her as a crazy person, I see her as my 'Mum'. As much as I don't want anyone to treat my mum like this when she was inflicted with the mental illness, I don't want to treat this person with no respect. I gave her the attention that she needed and she got back to her seat. They developed these illness partly because of the lack of love and understanding from the people. Sometimes, we just have to learn to empathize with people who are different from us.

As I'm writing this blog entry, it's 14 minutes more into 3rd September, my father's birthday.

I texted my brother:

Me: Tomorrow is dad's birthday right? Will he be free?

B: Yup! But he went China for vacation, dont let mum knows about it, he wouldn't like it. He will be back on the 10th.

Me: When did he go? He went with his friends?

B: I think he went alone. He wanna see the world, that's what he said.

Me: Feel so unsafe for him, which part of China?
B: Shen Zheng, should be okay bah.

It was painful for me to know that he has to celebrate his own birthday alone, again. In 2010, my mum was admitted to the hospital and he didn't want us to celebrate his birthday. It will appear that we are enjoying while my mum are suffering inside and my dad didn't want that. In 2011, My dad's relative died and he said that he was unable to celebrate his birthday. Before my family broke up, we never had a tradition of celebrating birthdays. When I became more matured and learned to be more appreciative, reality doesn't allow me to do so. When we were still living under the same roof, he told me that he wants to explore the world, he doesn't want to work in Singapore for his whole life. Now that he has finally fulfilled his dream, I'm happy for him. At the same time, i was really, really worried. China may not be a safe place and the worst part, my dad is going there alone. He called me on Friday and told me that he has deposited my monthly allowance into my bank account. He talked to me about Commando, asking if I've made up my decision of being one. he said that he will support my decision and asked me to go for it if i'm selected. I was guessing that he called me before he departed from Singapore. I can imagine how he's feeling at that point of time. He didn't tell me that he was going to Shen Zheng, he didn't want me to worry for him, he didn't want my mum to know about it. He always put up a strong front. A strong front with all the sorrows and sadness buried right underneath that seemingly cold heart. It seems like I've inherited that from him. I've been too busy with my studies and neglected him through these 2 years. I wanna show my appreciation as he gets back into Singapore, I hope reality allows me to do that. I hope that he will come back to Singapore in one piece.

Its 12.16am, 3rd September 2012. Happy Birthday Daddy. <3