I just watched a video of a woman scratching her private part in the MRT and I was honestly disgusted. Not disgusted by the woman, but the person that filmed the woman. Who in the RIGHT MIND will scratch their private part knowing that its inappropriate? Obviously the woman has mental illness that renders her unable to make the right judgement. Shame on the videographer, his lack of empathy towards the less-than-perfect people. He may treat it as a joke, he may gain popularity as more people viewed the video. He's doing all these at the expense of the woman. We should always try to put ourselves in other's shoe, treat people like how you want to be treated. I'm truly disgusted and all I wish for is for him to be punished severely, and serves as a reminder for the society to be more sensitive towards the less-than-perfect people.

I talked to some of my classmates today and they mentioned about writing the School Graduation Certificate(SGC) for one another in the class. They said that they were quite worried about me. I was supposed to write for Dhivya. They were afraid that I might write negative things about her and her SGC might be tarnished. Yes I don't like the way she behaves, but I'm not going to go to the extent of tarnishing her SGC. She may be disrespectful to the teachers in class, she may be inconsiderate for the classes next door. However, I believe that at some point in her life, she will realize her mistakes and change for the better. Everyone deserves the opportunity to do that. Its gonna be unfair for her to receive a SGC that will follow her till death, with her past records reflected black and white on a piece of paper. What goes around, comes around. As much as I want to receive a second chance to right the wrongs, I'm willing to do the same for the others. 

As usual, I went to macdonald to study for my History. Sat beside were a pair of mother and daughter. In the beginning, I was quite disturbed by the daughter, who talked very loud and commented on strangers ridiculously. Then, I sense some familiarity. It was my mum. My mum had the same condition 2 years ago as she went into extreme depression. My Mum was violent and she didn't know what she were doing, her mind was not in a right state. As I observed the daughter, I drew some similarities between my mum and her. As the daughter walked away from her Mother, I told her mother "Hey, I understand how it feels, my mum had the same condition as her. Is she under medication?" That's when I realized that her Mum thought it was normal for her to behave in that manner. I told her about my mum's condition and let her know that she will turned into violent mode if she's not under proper medication. As she speaks to me, it was clear that she hadn't thought through her words before it was voiced out. Just like my mum, after she was admitted to the hospital, she didn't say those stuff that often anymore and she frankly had a peaceful inner mind at last. I told her Mum,"Dragging her all the way to the mental hospital may seems heartless, but you know you still have to do it, it's the best for her." I just had to say it, it's the best for both of them. 

Horn section 2008/09

I just got to know that Jian He (the guy in blue) has got a sister in SRJC, which was pretty mind-blowing considering that I've seen her a few times already. When i got home, I browsed through the photos on 2010 countdown. Its the day I spent with my little juniors at Jian He's house for BBQ. It was a great session, I talked to them regarding band and how much I disliked the system in my secondary school band. We also did a bit of gossiping hehehe. Yes I really miss my little children. During my time as a Section leader, I was the strictest among all and my instructor often praise our section for learning the songs the fastest! Although I was strict, I strike a balance with them. During sectionals we would enjoy ourselves and sectionals will always be the time when we look forward to. The days spent with them were priceless and I wish I could relive them. Cloey left the band as soon as I stepped down from band. I was devastated. It seems like our section has broken up. I didn't stop her from quitting band. I didn't wanna be so selfish. She went into dance and she was happy with it, I'm happy for her too. Desmond is the approachable guy, often asking me random questions that freaks me out! He was the closest to me among the 3 of them. Jian He is the cranky guy, some say he looks like me!  

 BBQ at Jian He's house.

 We are a bunch of cam-whores.

 We were mimicking someone that we gossiped about :)

 Jian He's little sister kept chasing after Desmond! 

 Lady Gaga!

 The horn family: Jian He, Desmond, Khalissa, Siti, Cloey, Angeline.

At the parade! [yes i clipped up my hair]

My cousins are here right now, reciting tongue twisters and singing some i-think-is-korean songs. They came with their parents, walking into the house, greeting the elderly warmly. I almost forgot how it seems like to pay a visit to grandma's house as a family. Its been 3 years since my family were separated and I moved to here, my mother's side grandma house. The separation has never been better, and worse.

The times when we were still intact as a family were full of screaming and fighting between my mum, my brother and my dad. In week, my mum and my brother would quarrel at least once in 5 days, and my parents would quarrel once per week. I would note the frequency of the conflicts and praise them if they didn't quarrel for 1 week (bad move i know). Nearing the separation, they would fight and scream in the middle of the night. Sometimes I see my dad sitting at the bench right below my block, eyes slightly red. My mum would lock herself in the room, occasionally scream at my brother when he gets back from army. This went on for nearly 3-4 months and that's when I started to lose the parental love that I used to have. Yes I cried, simply because i cared too much. My sister is just self-centred, minded her own business inside the room and ignored all the commotions outside the room. Life was great for her i guess, simple living her own world, being apathetic towards the surrounding matters.

It was a great relief when my parents were finally separated on 30 September 2009. No more screaming, no more fighting. There comes another problem, my grandfather and my uncle. Till today, living with them has never been worse. I felt unwanted and at times wallowing in self-pitying on why was I even born. Tough times come one right after. They said i didn't respect my grandfather, does he even deserve my respect? He can't even talk nice to his wife who has been washing his clothes and cooking his meal. He has to shout at my grandma when she talks in such a gentle tone. My little cousins greet him, but I wouldn't. I'm sorry for not being like those ignorant cousins who know nothing with regards to how my grandfather treats my grandma. I cant accept that, I rather get scolded for not respecting him than to pretend that I really do. My uncle, like father like son. Both of them do not deserve my respect.

I can remember vaguely the things they said to me, "You better call your dad to get a house and get out of this house." Every time they said that, I would imagine myself running to my dad, hugging him and he would tell me "Son, everything is over." I could do that, I should do that, but i wouldn't do that. When my mum was in IMH, i told my mum that my sister left grandma's house and stayed with her friends at Tampines. My mum cried and said, "My children are leaving me one by one". I can never forget how tears roll out of her eyes, helplessly hoping that my sister would come back. It was so hurtful. My sister left me alone with them. My sister left her during her toughest time, I can never bring myself to do that. When I told her that I stayed at my dad's house for one night, she cried again and said "You're the only one left with me, I don't know what will I do if you're gone, please don't leave me." That's the reason why I said I wouldn't leave her. I stayed strong and thick-skinned over here, enduring all scolding and discrimination from them. Yes I cried all the time. I cried after every storm. But afterwards, i feel stronger than ever.

It was a tough period for me. Sometimes I really miss the times when we were still intact as a family, living under the roof together. One night, I dreamt about my house in Punggol, it was a peaceful Sunday morning. I walked out of my room and went inside my sister's room. Her room was messy as usual and she had herself hidden under that thick blanket. I walked out of the room into the living room, my brother was watching the television. I went into the kitchen to get some food and .... I woke up from my dream. It was a sweet dream afterwards, getting back into a place where I seek comfort in. The consciousness I had was painstaking, feels like a stake has pierced right through my heart, realising that Everything Is Gone, Its Never Gonna Come Back. I cried when I watched the last episode of The Vampire Diaries Season 3. Elena dreamt about her past. She woke up on a normal school day, getting ready for her class. She went downstairs to have breakfast and told Aunt Jenna that "Jeremy has locked himself in the bathroom again, he thinks we don't know what he is doing in there?" She greeted her mum with a kiss and ... she woke up from that dream. She was in a hospital, it was all pitched dark, all alone. Aunt Jenna and her mum was dead long ago. Reality hits her hard, her loved ones are gone. I felt the pinch when I watched that scene as I remembered the time when I woke up from my sweet little dream.  

Post Vocational Assessment

My body is still aching right now, but it certainly feels great knowing that I've pushed myself beyond my limits. Friends were all asking me, "How was the vocational assessment?" I dare not answer them confidently that the Lieutenant has said that i'm selected for Commando already. I'm afraid that I might be given a false hope about getting into Commando unit and I didn't want to become a laughing stock when I wasn't actually selected at the end of the day. Confidence issue. That's the problem that I've been dealing with for the past few years, till now. I'm afraid of judgement, to a certain extent. I don't want to boast about my future position in Commando and for all I know, people might be judging me as insensitive. I'm just gonna wait till I receive my confirmation letter before I let my friends know the truth.

Preliminary Examination

I just did the math paper 2 this morning at 8am. It was tough, it wasn't as manageable as I hope it to be. I was complacent. I told my friends that the paper was difficult, but deep down inside, there's a tiny voice reciting in my head "You could have done much better if you weren't so complacent." Yes I know. Ever since i got back my Mid-Year results, I've never gone for math consultation. I devoted my time on GP, History and Bio. Out of the 3 subjects, I can hardly say that I can pass any of it. It wasn't a good strategy, for all my JC exam, I have been relying on my maths and chemistry to secure my decent rank points. I will do pretty badly for this Prelim. No point crying over spilled milk, but I still have to face the reality. I'm gonna work harder, I promise myself.

The Expendables II

It was kinda sort of a class outing, with some boys from other classes. We watched Expendables II at NEX and it has been a long time since I watched a great movie. Finally, after all the viral Chuck Norris jokes that I've read over the internet, I got to see Chuck Norris starring in a movie. One of my favourite part: "Hey Norris, I heard you got bitten by a Cobra." "Yes I did. And after 5 days of agonizing pain, the Cobra finally died." Yes I enjoyed myself, as always. As long as I'm with these cranky people, I feel like myself. How i wish these moments will never end. We went Long John Silver after the movie for our lepak session. We mocked each other's unique behaviors and talked about our eyecandies/crushes. Yes we behaved like a secondary school kid. But its our last 3 months, after the 3 months, we're going to be responsible for our actions and words. Considering that we are still students, why not behave like one? 

Memories from Cambodia

I miss Cambodia. I miss the kids. I miss how I played games with them. I miss how they held my hands. I miss how they made little things for us. I miss how we made bracelets together. I miss how we did colourings together. I miss how we treasure every drops of water. I miss group 3. I miss the time we spent together. I miss the nonsense we did in the hotel room. I miss everything about Cambodia. 

Here are some pictures that we took in Cambodia:

 I was teaching them a handshake which I did with most of them as an icebreaker.

 Check out my dimples. Hahahaha.

These are the little kids that we did the colourings with.

Have I mention that these Cambodia kids are camwhores? 

Back in the days where its perfectly normal for little boys and girls to hold hands.

Vocational Assessment

Woke up early in the morning, got my ready for my first-ever vocational assessment for the Commando unit.

Its been a long time since I took a long bus ride. I took 89 all the way to Hendon Camp. i overshot my bus journey, and ended in a taxi.

We were allocated into different details, I was in detail 1. 

Many thoughts went through my head: What if I didn't make it for Commando because of my heart condition? What if I'm posted to another unit which I wouldn't be enjoying myself? What if I regret my choice? I was quite regretful to declare my heart condition when i first came for this assessment, worrying that it will affect my suitability. Enough of the worries, i interacted with the person behind me, he's Alfred. He is from Pioneer JC and he wasn't interested in Cammando initially. Not only him, I know Daniel from JJC, and 4 other people. 2 of them were from Australia and Canada, coming back to Singapore to serve the army. We went through Psycho-motor and Physical assessment which I think I did relatively bad for both. 

During the interview, it went like this: (L) - lieutenant (W) - Me

L: Good Afternoon, I'm Lieutenant Foong. Take a sit.

He shook my hand.

L: Do you know why you're here for?

W: Yes I do.

L: Do you have any queries for me?

In my mind there were a lot of questions for him, and I have no idea which question should I post to him.

W: Erm.. I heard that in Commando unit, teamwork is more important than leadership. Is that true?

L: Yes indeed. After all the Commandos returned from their respective departments, you will realise the power of teamwork.

Halfway through, I mentioned to him regarding my dilemma between Prelims and VA.

L: So the fact that you chose to give up Prelims mean that you're really interested?

W: Yes, I'm really interested and passionate for it.

L: Great, that's all I need to know.

I was dumbfounded, but at the same time elated that I didn't come all the way for nothing. To reconfirm his words....

W: What are the odds of me getting into Commando?

L: There are no odds. Well, I believe in volunteerism. If you want to do it, I know you will do it well. You're in.

I left the interview station feeling accomplished. He may not make the final decision and I may not make it into Commando, but i left the station with a takeaway: Never be afraid to speak up. I spoke up for myself, I told him that i want to be a Commando. That's when he saw my sincerity and gave me his words that I'm in for Commando. 

I left the Hendon camp at 3pm. I've forgotten to say bye to Chun Wee and Sherman. Our detail left together and departed at the bus stop. At the bus stop, we remained silent. In the camp, we were the most bonded bunch of people, we shared about our JC lives and mocked about Alfred's unwillingness to join Commando. It was a great day with them, the great companions that I've ever met in a long time. When my bus came, I told them, "So er.. I'm gonna see all of you again except for Alfred isn't it?". I said bye to them and boarded the bus. What I really meant when I said that: "I'm gonna miss all of you." That's our (boys) problem. We never get mushy. I felt close to them even though we have only interacted for 3 hours and the moment when we departed, I had a feeling of amiss. I really hope we'll meet again.

A new blog, a new beginning.

I've decided to blog once again. Decided not to confine my thoughts in a diary.

I want to be more open to the world, express my thoughts and emotions as much I could.

I learned that to earn trust from someone, you have to start trusting people.

I trust my friends whom I'm giving my blog links to, because they are the ones that care, and share.