I believe I can safely say that no one is ever gonna read my blog. It would be like my online diary, and I can write anything I want, or complain about whoever I want. Well, I don't know why do I like to write my thoughts down somewhere whenever I'm feeling really down, or feeling mind blown by things that happened. Probably because i felt that all these rants and complaints were just meaningless mumbling to others, and it wouldn't matter to them anyway. So why bother? So many things have changed - people, places and feelings. I've tried my best to talk to my friends the same way I talked to them when everything were perfect. Let's just say she was a good friend from my school, we used to talk about anything under the sun. We always have each other as the first person to know, whenever things went wrong, or how we were uncomfortable in certain situations in school. Not forgetting sharing the joy that we acquired from little things in our very own life. When I text her a while back, everything felt different. We were no longer as close as we were before. I can feel it. She was an important friend to me. It just hurts to know that things weren't the same as before anymore, and how every single moment I beg to return to days when things were perfect. Here's the problem with me. ITS HARD FOR ME TO MOVE ON. Even after so long, I'm still talking to my school friends like how I used to talk to them. In fact, I'm no longer friends with them anymore, I'm only friends with the mental image I have of them. The mental image I have of them when things were going right, when things were perfect. Maybe its just me who cared too much. Maybe its just me who is in a standstill, can't stand the fact that people are moving on and I'm not. I met up with Joel and Shalyn last Sunday, 3 of us weren't very happy about our lives. There were moments were we just remain solemn, though this shouldn't be the case. Joel came to fetch me first, and together, we crafted something that speaks our heart - We cant predict the future, we cant accept the present. All we are left with is the past that we always choose to move back to. That's the easiest way to lead our life. That's how we felt when we're in the army. Who would understand? I kept moving back to the past. I'm actually talking to people that never exist anymore. All moved on. Except me.

These recent weeks haven't been good for me. My emotions were pretty unstable, I couldn't handle my emotions well and I often flare up. This is not like me. Or rather these emotions had been kept inside me for so long and they only start surfacing now. Not sure how am I now. How do i even reply to people when they ask me "how are you?" "Oh hey i'm fine" - totally not, i'm just lying to myself. "No I'm not okay, but don't ask." - So hostile and stuck up, ill only be leaving people speechless. I'm starting to believe that in the future, i'm gonna develop some drinking problems. Life hasn't been really good for me, well life has been miserable for me. I don't have a proper home, and yes i do have a proper shelter but not a place where I can just be myself inside. I don't live normally like a teenager, I HAVE to lock myself in the room so that I don't annoy the shit out of people. My family is broken, my sister isn't trying any harder to contribute to the household income. My grandfather and uncle hate me. Basically I think i'm a fucked up. Drinking is good for me. I don't have to think about how people view me when I'm drunk as fuck, I do what I want, I say what I want. I don't care how people say that drinking is never the solution to problems, but heck it, at least it gave me a few hours of heaven time where I don't remember my problems and all I wanna do is to have fun with my friends (if i'm with any). When I drunk, (according to my friends) I talk a hell lot of cock. When I wake up the next morning, I don't regret anything that I've said. For the first time in my life, I'm actually saying things that I want to say since forever. There was once when I drunk-text a girl friend of mine, telling her how great she is and how she shouldn't be affected by how people think of her. I showed my friend the texts and he asked me "Where did you get the courage to tell her that? I'll be so touched if I'm her." Well where did i get the courage? Alcohol. Yes alcohol is bad, but maybe if your life is as fucked as mine it might do you some good.