I don't even know where to start. I feel that my life is in a big mess. Army has been the thing that is holding me together. Booking out on every Saturday is never a pain anymore, I'm no longer looking forward to booking out. Today was our 2nd parents' engagement day. My mum and sis were supposed to come today and they kind of promised me that they would come. My company was ushered to the heritage centre, and ordered to wait for our parents once they stepped out of the auditorium. One by one, parents came to pick their child up. I waited there, I gave my mum a call but she was not contactable. Slowly my friends left me for their parents, and I waited there with a box of food in my hands. It was almost 15 minutes after the lecture has ended and I thought that they went to the toilet. I sat down at the stairs and my detachment commander came by and told me that there were no parents left in the auditorium. My heart fell so hard, and I don't know why. I asked myself what could have gone wrong. I told my det commander that they might have gone to the company building first, but I knew that couldn't be it. I still cling on to that last hope right before I reached the company building. It was a walk of disgrace from the auditorium to the company building, alone, and from the 3rd floor staircase to my bunk, alone. Some of my friends' parents are not coming and they were obliged to do regimental duties. I could have done it with them, I felt that i have made up a big lie. Right from the start, I knew that they might not come though they said they were coming. On our 1st parents' engagement day, the first thing I heard in the morning when i woke up was.. "is it important? Can I not go?" When my mum said that, my guts simply told me that I should say yes. I shouldn't force her if she doesn't sound like she wants to come. I'm not gonna hide, I cried like a wuss in the toilet when I saw my friends' parents in the camp with them. Today, I didn't lay much hope. On the day when this 2nd parents' engagement day was announced, I have no idea why I got emotional again. Perhaps I already know the outcome. When I tell my mum about this event, I kept emphasizing, "Its okay if you don't want".. "its not really that important anyway".."Ill be fine if you didn't wanna go". When she said that she wants to go, I was happy. I imagined myself bringing my mum and sis to changi village to have a bite over there, or maybe just making a conversation out of the long bus journey from my camp back to home. I went back to my bunk and I sat there, feeling really, really disappointed. Never can I imagine my own family members doing this to me. They didn't notify me that they weren't coming. I waited there like an idiot, hoping that I could see them. I went home, and my mum said "Sorry we didn't go, we didn't know how to go." Wow, that was a huge blow on me. For the record, I gave them the address of my camp in black and white. Taking a cab would be simple I suppose. I even told them to take bus 89 and it reaches my camp directly. But no. They stayed at home. I was broken, really broken. The ones that I was supposed to trust the most had failed me badly. My grandma came to talk to me, she said that she understands how hurtful it is to see that my friends' parents were there and mine wasn't. At least someone understands how I felt, and why I felt this way. I just want my parents to be proud of me, to be concerned with what i do, that's all. All I want is simple. Whenever someone asked me if I'm okay, I wanna reply them with "I feel broken, I feel disappointment, I feel guilt, I feel messed up. I feel dead inside. I feel confused. I feel alone. I feel suppressed. I feel tired. What do you think?" There were just too much things bugging me. I have been avoiding my friends. Admit it, no one wants to listen to a whiny bitch. Pouring out your troubles will help, but there comes to a point where no matter how much you told others, you just feel the same, never better. Deep down inside you knew that your troubles are just gonna be there, no matter what you do. So you just keep quiet and suck it up. Once in a while it haunts you in your sleep, and the next morning its a brand new day. I used to have this thought of registering myself as a patient in the IMH and just locked myself out of the outside world and wander in my own world. I have been there, I knew what it was like inside, and I feel peace over there. This thought is coming back. Army has been a great place, because it helps me to escape from the troubles without me trying hard.