Yesterday has been quite an emotional day. My friends and I were soaking our feet at the De Yuan and i didn't say a single thing. I broke down the moment Syafqin came to ask me what happened. Felt so silly that I've broke down in front of them twice and they have to be there to console me. Still not feeling alright, till now. Things really struck me hard yesterday as I thought about how people usually were not concerned about me when I was young. Parents were always fighting, my siblings and I had a great generation gap in the past, somehow or rather I was stigmatized for being fat. In my Primary school days, my friends made fun of me. The malay boys called me fat, my Chinese friends did that too. But sometimes I would tolerate it, because they were my only friends and if I ever flip, I'll lose them and that's even more pathetic. Everyday I had to live with people calling me names. Sometimes even the girls called me fat. That eventually made me realise that no one really wants to friend with me, no one really cares about how I feel and no one really cares for me. Even if they did, it will only be an obligation - because I'm nice to them. That's the reason why I don't like to give birthday presents to others, because that will give them the obligation to give me a birthday present as well and I really hate that. I believed that people will give me genuine care if they want to, and not driven by obligation. I felt really horrible as to how everything you did was actually obligations, at least that's how you made me feel. When I tried to get out of my negative thoughts I had in the past, things like these happened. I'm thankful for all my friends, namely Syafiqin, Adil and Hakim. They asked me to go to their prayers area and I told them why I broke down, felt much better after I've rant to them. They are the people that kept me going when I'm facing difficulties and its gonna be another emotional crisis if I were to think about how we're going to leave each other soon and proceed with our own lives. I hope we still keep in touch after the As.

Just came back from the cremation of my late great grandfather. It was an emotional yet a delightful 4-day period. It was delightful because I got to bond more with cousins and got to talk more with them. I realized that they are super sick already at such a young age! Children nowadays... 

The period was rather emotional and it's not because I miss my great grandfather. I'm never close to him and I mentioned to my mum that he scold my grandmother frequently for no reason and I didn't really like him. It was emotional because the funeral reminded me of the funeral of my late great grandmother. The first thing was obvious, I missed my great grandmother. Whenever I visit her, she will look at me in the eye and give her brightest smile, and murmured something into my ear in dialect. I wasn't able to comprehend what she said, but I can feel that she still recognize me and she's glad to see me. The demise of my great grandmother impacted me quite a bit but I don't feel much for my great grandfather's. The second thing was worst. On the fourth day of the funeral 2 years ago, my mum attempted to commit suicide. As I returned home from the funeral that night, I saw my mum tipping her toes, looking at the ground floor from above. I asked her, "What are you doing?" She said, "Oh nothing I was just looking at the scenery." I felt something strange but I guessed that I was just being paranoid. Thereafter, she brought a chair out to the corridor as she peeked into my room... I ran over immediately as I grab my mum. I didn't know what to do or what to say, so I broke down and begged her not to commit suicide. She cried too, and said " I'm sorry Wei Jie I don't want live anymore... Just let me die... ". I was really in a state of shock and I simply repeat my words for the whole time. Thankfully she didn't commit suicide, but I was living in fear for the whole week. That night after she came back into the house, I told her that I'm gonna stay up the whole night, I would let her do foolish things. For the whole week, I didn't dare to go home. It was during my O level period, I used studies as a form of escapism. I'm afraid that I'll return home one day, and saw my grandma weeping over my mum's body. For that period, I went home after midnight, when everything was peaceful at last, at least on the surface. My heart pounded as I opened the house door, and then came a huge relief when I know that everything was fine. One of the worst period of my life, I was faced with mental struggles as I try to concentrate in school. My mum didn't want anyone to know, and I felt horrible for keeping such a big matter to myself, when I was then younger.