Last week was pretty goood, I spent the whole week with my band people and we have our first ever band concert on 19 January! My band journey really ended well with such an overwhelming concert and it is really heartening to see that many of the band people have grown to be more accepting of others, more respectful and more matured. The president of the band appears to me to be a role of a father to the band, besides having to oversee everything in band and making sure that everything is in place, I do care about their well-being in the band and outside of band. Every single band member is like a child to me and I feel responsible for them. Even after I'm no longer the father anymore, I still feel a sense of responsibility towards band, and at some point of time, you have to learn to let go and entrust the role to the next generation of leader. Letting go wasn't easy, but it certainly comes easier when you learn to trust the next batch of leaders. They are doing a great job and I'm really proud of the EXCO 2012/13 :)

Sometimes the worst feeling of all is that you want people to know that you're upset, but you pretended not to care. What doesn't feel so good is when the person you really care judges you from afar, without really bother to truly understand you. Often laugh along with them whenever they judge me, but deep down it really hurts, no matter how close that person is to me. You feel unjust for yourself, for which you know that you're not who they thought you are but you just didn't wanna clear it because you just can't be bothered to make good impression of yourself. My heart really sank but I still pretended not to care because they're just being true to themselves. So what if I tried to tell them that what they've thought of me isn't true? Probably ill get a "Yeah I'm just kidding." but deep down inside them thoughts would still remain unchanged. So just let the vicious cycle continues and live on. 

Just when I thought that my life was getting better, things happened and it really struck me hard. I always thought that I was facing my life rather positively even though tons of crap happened to my family. I was wrong. No matter how positive I become, things had happened, problems still exist, I can't do anything about it. I had a fierce fight with my grandfather and my uncle last Sunday. I was about to get out of that hell hole of mine and go to a movie with my friends. I went into my Ahma's room to check the mirror and the door slammed as the wind blew. I got out of the room, my grandfather shouted at me for slamming the door. So I looked at him, stood in front of me as he barks, and said "The wind blew." He went on to say things like "get your father to come out and get all of you out of the house" and etc. This went on for quite a while, around 10 minutes. I was pressing my anger and my whole body trembled, waiting to erupt any minute. I went into the kitchen, my mum and sister were there too. We stayed at the kitchen, and my grandfather continue shouting at us. Basically, he wants us out. We have stayed in that hell hole for 3 years and 3 months and he has been chasing us away since the first few months when we first moved in. My uncle joined in afterwards, and mentioned things like "the youngest (me) was so rude to them" and "those who weren't working (my mom and sis) are jia liao bi (free loader)" For his virgin sake (btw he's 42 year-old and he hasn't got a girlfriend before and yes he's a virgin), I only respect those who deserves the respect and our family matters are none of his problem at all. Even if my mom and sis are not working, he has no rights to criticize us. So I got really hot up, I went down to the ATM machine to withdraw 2K and give it to my grandfather. He rejected it very impolitely and tried to chase me away like a stray dog with his hand gesture. That's when the fierce battle begins. Their arguments are largely illogical. Well, as stupid as I sound, I broke down again. I broke down simply because I was too angry and I couldn't contain it anymore. My body was trembling, and it was all hot up. My whole body was numbed and I couldn't move. 10 minutes later I could finally move my fingers. I was really mad for how they talk to my mother. After I broke down, the first thing I said was "can you open your eyes and look at this woman? Who is she? She's your daughter, and she's your sister! Is it that hard to talk to her nicely?! Must you shout at her?!" So this was their argument "Our voices are naturally loud! My voice is always at this volume whenever I talk to anyone, so is your grandfather." Minutes later, my grandfather use a softer voice to talk to us... Argument outright invalid. Another thing that I'd said was "My mum had a broken marriage and she returned to her parent's house, is it wrong for her?! Can you give her some respect?!" He said "Are you lecturing me? Let me tell you, you're gonna die in army next time if you're gonna go in with this attitude!" So I responded "I'm not lecturing you, I'm just reminding you of the fact that she's your sister." and he kept quiet. He has no rights to judge my attitude when he doesn't know me at all.

Story of my life: I had a broken family, I had to put up at my grandma's place, I was often chased out of the house and I'm still not moving out. I don't wanna move out simply because I don't wanna leave my mum alone, my sis isn't gonna take good care of her, she doesn't stand up for herself when she was maligned by my uncle. I'm pretty sure she will be upset if I were to stay with my Dad. Actually, the reason why my uncle and grandfather aren't happy is probably because of me. I'm always walking around the house and got scolded out of no reason. These past few days, I was thinking about whether I should move to my father's house. I stayed there for a few hours and I feel more carefree than I am in this house. At the same time I thought of my mom, I don't wanna make her feel that she's abandoned. She was devastated when my sis moved out of the house and elated when she came back. It was a tough period for me, I'm beginning to lose myself. When I'm alone, I had weird conversations with myself and had really vengeful thoughts. I don't wanna be like this. On Sunday night, I thought I was fine after a day out with my friends. After they left, my heart still sank and I'm back to where I was. I was lost. I felt like I have no place to go. I bought alcohol and sat at somewhere isolated. Put on my earpiece, and listened to the song "Whiskey lullaby". I was thinking about the lyrics of the song the whole time "He put that bottle on his head and pulled the trigger" and realized how much it was really applicable to me. When the music played that verse, I broke down again. I went to find Ivy to talk about it, and I felt better momentarily. After she's gone, it all came back again. I went back to where I was, and slept at the bench. It was comfortable, not as soft as my bed, but at least I don't have to worry that I'll be chased out when I awake. It was really painful to have to go through all these for so many years while knowing that I have no capability to resolve it. I'm entering the army soon, the movie Ah Boys to men portrayed the homecoming of every army boy as a glorious moment. Where do I return after my 2 weeks confinement? Back to this hell hole where people silently jeer for my arrival? I can't help to think about how life is really unfair to me sometimes. I don't do self-pity often and I don't wanna do it. I wanna feel that I'm actually leading a good life and circumstances like these really make me feel otherwise.

I have come to realize that I actually do not have many people to confide in when I have problems. People know me as the guy who is rather a happy person most of the time and who would guess that I have a blog where I pour my emotions out and do my self-pitying? I really can't stand it when I tried to talk to someone and he/she would change topic and totally omit what I've said. Or simply, "you're thinking too much." It really hurts to know that I've been trusting the wrong person since 2 years ago. Another friend shunned me off. I don't wanna go back to J1 when I'd lost trust in people.