I believe I can safely say that no one is ever gonna read my blog. It would be like my online diary, and I can write anything I want, or complain about whoever I want. Well, I don't know why do I like to write my thoughts down somewhere whenever I'm feeling really down, or feeling mind blown by things that happened. Probably because i felt that all these rants and complaints were just meaningless mumbling to others, and it wouldn't matter to them anyway. So why bother? So many things have changed - people, places and feelings. I've tried my best to talk to my friends the same way I talked to them when everything were perfect. Let's just say she was a good friend from my school, we used to talk about anything under the sun. We always have each other as the first person to know, whenever things went wrong, or how we were uncomfortable in certain situations in school. Not forgetting sharing the joy that we acquired from little things in our very own life. When I text her a while back, everything felt different. We were no longer as close as we were before. I can feel it. She was an important friend to me. It just hurts to know that things weren't the same as before anymore, and how every single moment I beg to return to days when things were perfect. Here's the problem with me. ITS HARD FOR ME TO MOVE ON. Even after so long, I'm still talking to my school friends like how I used to talk to them. In fact, I'm no longer friends with them anymore, I'm only friends with the mental image I have of them. The mental image I have of them when things were going right, when things were perfect. Maybe its just me who cared too much. Maybe its just me who is in a standstill, can't stand the fact that people are moving on and I'm not. I met up with Joel and Shalyn last Sunday, 3 of us weren't very happy about our lives. There were moments were we just remain solemn, though this shouldn't be the case. Joel came to fetch me first, and together, we crafted something that speaks our heart - We cant predict the future, we cant accept the present. All we are left with is the past that we always choose to move back to. That's the easiest way to lead our life. That's how we felt when we're in the army. Who would understand? I kept moving back to the past. I'm actually talking to people that never exist anymore. All moved on. Except me.

These recent weeks haven't been good for me. My emotions were pretty unstable, I couldn't handle my emotions well and I often flare up. This is not like me. Or rather these emotions had been kept inside me for so long and they only start surfacing now. Not sure how am I now. How do i even reply to people when they ask me "how are you?" "Oh hey i'm fine" - totally not, i'm just lying to myself. "No I'm not okay, but don't ask." - So hostile and stuck up, ill only be leaving people speechless. I'm starting to believe that in the future, i'm gonna develop some drinking problems. Life hasn't been really good for me, well life has been miserable for me. I don't have a proper home, and yes i do have a proper shelter but not a place where I can just be myself inside. I don't live normally like a teenager, I HAVE to lock myself in the room so that I don't annoy the shit out of people. My family is broken, my sister isn't trying any harder to contribute to the household income. My grandfather and uncle hate me. Basically I think i'm a fucked up. Drinking is good for me. I don't have to think about how people view me when I'm drunk as fuck, I do what I want, I say what I want. I don't care how people say that drinking is never the solution to problems, but heck it, at least it gave me a few hours of heaven time where I don't remember my problems and all I wanna do is to have fun with my friends (if i'm with any). When I drunk, (according to my friends) I talk a hell lot of cock. When I wake up the next morning, I don't regret anything that I've said. For the first time in my life, I'm actually saying things that I want to say since forever. There was once when I drunk-text a girl friend of mine, telling her how great she is and how she shouldn't be affected by how people think of her. I showed my friend the texts and he asked me "Where did you get the courage to tell her that? I'll be so touched if I'm her." Well where did i get the courage? Alcohol. Yes alcohol is bad, but maybe if your life is as fucked as mine it might do you some good. 

Last week has been a really eventful week, mainly 72km route march, red beret presentation parade and Social night. 72km route march was a painful journey. I acquired a blister on the ball of my foot on the 8km mark and it hurts me for the next 64km. The ball of my left foot hurts so bad that I started running so that the impact emphasized more on the heels of my feet. Then the heel of my foot got a bigger blister and it has an open wound on it now. Afterall, it was a great walk. Never in my lifetime would I dream of walking 72km non-stop, with nearly 20kg of load and sometimes 30kg. With every piece of bone and every inch of muscle telling me to give up, the mind has to stay strong and constantly remind myself of my capability and never-say-die attitude that ultimately pushed me beyond my limits. I felt good after the walk. The achievement is definitely something that many would applause for and they would be saying "How is that possible?!". I don't know the answer to that question, we just kept walking, and walking, and walking.. hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel. At the 6km mark, the rain came pouring and we had to stay under the shelter. Many stayed inside the shelter, a few of us barely got a proper shelter. We were all shivering, our clothes are cold and boots were wet and squishy. Those inside the shelter were either sleeping or enjoying the warm, neglecting the fact that poor souls like us were enduring the rain and cold for them. After an hour plus or so, a guy who just woke up offered to change his position with me, but its too late. My boots were already wet and I know for sure that I'm definitely getting the blisters and I do not wish for him to be the same. If not for the blisters, it wouldn't be such a painful walk. Red beret presentation parade was the reason why we all worked so hard and endured these dog months in Hendon camp. We donned the coveted red beret in front of our loved ones and it was really the best birthday gift that I've ever gave myself. Our red beret didn't come easily, we were all required to rip the red beret off the commanders' hands and it was no easy task. My CSM told us, "when it your turn to snatch your beret, look at him in his eyes, sense fear into him, tell him that's your fucking beret, hand it over." When it's my turn to snatch my beret, I did what my CSM told me to, the commander who held my beret said "just a bit more.. go on" before I finally got hold of my beret. Next, the moment we all have been waiting for, donning the beret with these 3 command words. AKAN. PAKAI. BERET. Social night 2013 was a memorable one. Joy agreed to be my date and of course, we went there together. I love how our chemistry were still there despite us not meeting for a good 7 months. So many things have changed, she's now attached and there's a limit to what I can do as a friend now. Still, we still enjoyed the night. The good thing about that special night is that you can prove to your date how reliable and trustworthy you are. If you are going to ask a girl to be your date for that night while you go around socialising on your own, neglecting the fact that your date is feeling a great deal of insecurities in an environment that she totally know no one else in, you just proved yourself to be a lousy date. Well, not that I think that I've done an excellent job, but I was concentrating my attention on her the whole time, the only time she wasn't with me was because she's in the washroom. I dragged her along (literally) wherever I go, letting her know that I'm still gonna be right beside her despite whatever I'll be doing. After the party, my friends were talking about the night, talking about each other's date and I realized I haven't been looking at the others. All my attention were on her and all that I can remember for the night was her and only her. Well I know for a fact that its pretty weird for a friend to say such a thing and of course I'm still treating her as a friend no matter what. I really love her company, always doing retarded things together, always moving around like we were some sort of monkeys in a circus (and yes many people were looking at us and sometimes laughing). That night our table were so boring that we couldn't stand it and decided to just stand and walk around instead, or maybe its just me who finds it boring hahaha. It was a memorable night, a night that is worth remembering, a night that is one of the best moments of my entire life. I have missed you badly, ghost. Thank you for the night.

Okay where do I start. Well I shall start with something positive.
1. In my 18 years of life (before I enlisted), I have never read finish a book official. Recently as crazy as it sounds I have a new found passion which is reading. Don't ask me, I have totally no idea why am I reading so much now. Not too much though, because my reading speed is pretty slow and I have only read 2 books in my whole life (or rather in the most recent 3 months of my life). In my free time, instead of talking cock with my friends, I would rather read. I treasure the time I spent with myself, so which it is important for some self-rejuvenation and self-discovery. Beginning to sounds like an introvert already huh huh oh yes I would consider myself as one. No one belongs to the extreme ends but I would confidently say that my nature tends towards the introvert side. Like I said, self-discovery, that's something I discovered about myself. After a long strenuous exercise, some people talk cock sing song to rejuvenate themselves. For me, I hibernate and conserve my energy. I think that's a pretty big sign that I'm an introvert. And books, duh,

2. Sometimes it is amazing how a person can be your best buddy in the world but when things suddenly go out of the way, he can be the most hated person you can ever have. Jamie screamed at me the other day for a small mistake that I've made, which currently I still don't think that it is a very big issue. He was in my detachment during BMT days and we were pretty close. I cried a little on the last day of BMT knowing that i wouldn't be able to see the awesome people that often already, and of course one of those was Jamie. He's a great friend and he still is. That is the reason that it hurts so much when he screamed at me. I didn't know how to react. I kept quiet and after he is done, I tapped him and said thanks a lot (well, sarcastically). I didn't feel very good from that moment onward. If he wasn't close to me, I will definitely retaliate back. He's a treasured buddy of mine, screaming at him would spoil the friendship further, keeping quiet implies that I'm at fault. Sometimes we just have to put aside our ego to save some friendships isn't it? But i don't know, doesnt seem right to put aside my ego for that small matter.

3. Don't you just love it when you're in a group and you're like feeling left out and just wanna walk off that very minute or probably just dig a hole and bury yourself? No? No one loves it? Oh neither do I. I hate it. Since young. I would probably say that I'm a really sensitive guy, but I certain do not appear as that to many people. We the demo group used to be really close. Even after we were split into our own detachments, we still hang out at the pantry to talk cock and joke around. I love being around them, I do look up to some of them, I don't hate them individually. I just hate the aura they gave me. Sometimes after I said something, they gave each other faces secretly. That's a real confidence bumper. The greater the aura is, the less confident I am. I must admit, sometimes I really said stupid things around them and ONLY THEM because i was trying too hard to impress them, trying my best to fit inside the group. Its not working. Chio did give me that aura. I believe he is trying his best to like me but somehow he just can't do it. Well Javier, he is my detachment mate but occasionally he will scold me fucked up. I didn't notice if he scolded others but it just doesn't feel good when he scold me for whatever reason. Kor, a guy that I really look up to, had that aura too. There's this time where I asked him to repeat something and he went "you think you're funny, but you're not." I do have quite a handful of friends in army, and honestly, I am not fucked up. I only feel this way towards the demo group. I don't feel this way with my other friends. I feel comfortable when talking to other people, I do not have to try my best to impress them and they don't make me feel horrible definitely. I guess I should really stop doing everything that will only bring myself more harm, and focus on the current friends that i have. Tomorrow I'm going to collect my race pack with them, totally not excited to go, I would rather collect it with Alissa. Serious.

4. So 7 months and 22 days had passed, never thought I could come so far, and I'm actually saying that I'm flying to Brunei tomorrow. All is good. Brunei is fun. Real fun. Probably write a touching post after i get my red beret or even after Brunei. Just wait, the red beret will be mine.

I don't even know where to start. I feel that my life is in a big mess. Army has been the thing that is holding me together. Booking out on every Saturday is never a pain anymore, I'm no longer looking forward to booking out. Today was our 2nd parents' engagement day. My mum and sis were supposed to come today and they kind of promised me that they would come. My company was ushered to the heritage centre, and ordered to wait for our parents once they stepped out of the auditorium. One by one, parents came to pick their child up. I waited there, I gave my mum a call but she was not contactable. Slowly my friends left me for their parents, and I waited there with a box of food in my hands. It was almost 15 minutes after the lecture has ended and I thought that they went to the toilet. I sat down at the stairs and my detachment commander came by and told me that there were no parents left in the auditorium. My heart fell so hard, and I don't know why. I asked myself what could have gone wrong. I told my det commander that they might have gone to the company building first, but I knew that couldn't be it. I still cling on to that last hope right before I reached the company building. It was a walk of disgrace from the auditorium to the company building, alone, and from the 3rd floor staircase to my bunk, alone. Some of my friends' parents are not coming and they were obliged to do regimental duties. I could have done it with them, I felt that i have made up a big lie. Right from the start, I knew that they might not come though they said they were coming. On our 1st parents' engagement day, the first thing I heard in the morning when i woke up was.. "is it important? Can I not go?" When my mum said that, my guts simply told me that I should say yes. I shouldn't force her if she doesn't sound like she wants to come. I'm not gonna hide, I cried like a wuss in the toilet when I saw my friends' parents in the camp with them. Today, I didn't lay much hope. On the day when this 2nd parents' engagement day was announced, I have no idea why I got emotional again. Perhaps I already know the outcome. When I tell my mum about this event, I kept emphasizing, "Its okay if you don't want".. "its not really that important anyway".."Ill be fine if you didn't wanna go". When she said that she wants to go, I was happy. I imagined myself bringing my mum and sis to changi village to have a bite over there, or maybe just making a conversation out of the long bus journey from my camp back to home. I went back to my bunk and I sat there, feeling really, really disappointed. Never can I imagine my own family members doing this to me. They didn't notify me that they weren't coming. I waited there like an idiot, hoping that I could see them. I went home, and my mum said "Sorry we didn't go, we didn't know how to go." Wow, that was a huge blow on me. For the record, I gave them the address of my camp in black and white. Taking a cab would be simple I suppose. I even told them to take bus 89 and it reaches my camp directly. But no. They stayed at home. I was broken, really broken. The ones that I was supposed to trust the most had failed me badly. My grandma came to talk to me, she said that she understands how hurtful it is to see that my friends' parents were there and mine wasn't. At least someone understands how I felt, and why I felt this way. I just want my parents to be proud of me, to be concerned with what i do, that's all. All I want is simple. Whenever someone asked me if I'm okay, I wanna reply them with "I feel broken, I feel disappointment, I feel guilt, I feel messed up. I feel dead inside. I feel confused. I feel alone. I feel suppressed. I feel tired. What do you think?" There were just too much things bugging me. I have been avoiding my friends. Admit it, no one wants to listen to a whiny bitch. Pouring out your troubles will help, but there comes to a point where no matter how much you told others, you just feel the same, never better. Deep down inside you knew that your troubles are just gonna be there, no matter what you do. So you just keep quiet and suck it up. Once in a while it haunts you in your sleep, and the next morning its a brand new day. I used to have this thought of registering myself as a patient in the IMH and just locked myself out of the outside world and wander in my own world. I have been there, I knew what it was like inside, and I feel peace over there. This thought is coming back. Army has been a great place, because it helps me to escape from the troubles without me trying hard. 

This is the photo of my detachment during our live-firing at Nee Soon camp. We've finally come to the end of our BMT. Thereafter, we will move on to our vocational training and all of us will be separated into our respective vocations. When I first stepped into our bunk and saw all these people, I've never thought that we would be so close. A few days after our enlistment, we have already gotten so comfortable with each other that we follow each other around, even to the toilets. Detachment 3 has shown me that hugging a guy is not gay at all. When shit happens, we hug one another to encourage each other. When something calls for celebration, we hug each other as well. During our parent's engagement day, we expressed how we felt about our detachment and we realized that we actually felt the same way. In just 2 weeks, our bonds within the det grew really stronger and almost all of us mentioned one thing, 'I think our detachment is really united.' I remembered that we set visions for our det and one of which was to get Commando Gold for our IPPT by the end of BMT. We all work towards our common goal as one det and during admin time (break time), we spent lesser time calling our loved ones and squeezed out a bit of our time to do push-ups and abs training so that we can all achieve a Commando gold (and the body of Kian Chang). As seen from the picture above, our detachment has achieved the best in IPPT in Alpha company. I must admit that without me, our det would have scored a better results. My 2.4km run was the slowest among the det but I've never felt inferior or horrible because they have never make me feel that i'm a burden in the det. During the basic Airborne Selection, Daniel Ong and Zhen Hong ran beside me the whole time, encouraging me to push myself so that I could hit below 12min 30 secs and pass the basic airborne selection. They were always there when I needed help and soon I became rather dependent on them for moral support. I struggled quite a bit during the route marches and I often call for my det to march together so that we can talk cock sing song and our morale will be higher and it's easy for us to push towards the end of every march. Afterwhich, we became to rely on each other for moral support. Every route march, my det, not just me, would call out 'det 3! det 3!' and we will gladly form up together side by side, getting ready for the dreadful route march. For the 24km route march, we all started out strong as we sing pop hits like songs from Bruno Mars, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and other ad-hoc songs that kept our morale high. After we've reached the halfway mark (12km), we were quite physically drained because we were marching very fast and that even our Commanding Officer said that we reached our camp too soon already. We were supposed to take 8 hours to march but we took 6 hours instead. The pace was too fast but I felt good that we can actually make it for fast march. So as for me, I lagged behind and I was marching with the other detachment people and my blisters were killing me. Before we commence the last 6km walk, I told myself that if I'm gonna make for back to camp, I'll really be impressed with myself. The last 6km was a torture and the pain on my feet was unbearable. For the final 3km, I think I kinda gotten used to the pain and continue to walk. I felt like a zombie, walking aimlessly and wondering where i was heading to. My mind was switched off and all I could think of is to walk, and walk, and walk. For the last 1km, I told myself that I started the route march with my detachment, I'm gonna end the march with my detachment as well. So I burst off and walk as fast as i can to catch up with my detachment people and I did despite the unbearable pain on my feet. I caught up with my buddy, Shawn, and shouted "I'm back!" and he responded with "Oh Yeah!" and he pushed me back into the file. For the last 300m, our morale was at the peak as we sang the Commando songs as loudly as we could, almost near to shouting. We started out strong, we finished it off strong as well. 

The Basic Inoculation Course was another fun yet tiring event that we got to experience during our BMT. It is a course where the trainees are brought into a place with simulated warfare and the instructors were firing live round about 1 metre above our head. I joined the detail which comprised of platoon 3 people and soon my buddy, Shawn, joined the detail that I'm in as well. During the course, I kept telling myself that I don't wanna be a burden to my buddy and no matter how tiring I am, I'm gonna push on. While leopard crawling, I kept chanting in my mind, "I'll do it for my buddy, I'll do it for my buddy..." and I was rather shocked that I was the first guy that crawl towards the destination. Chanting that mantra really gave me the strength and my buddy and I were the first pair that completed the course. It was a shared experience that no one can ever take away from us.

It was really an awesome journey with these bunch of strangers, that transform into friends and then into brothers from buddies. We came from different background, most of us were from JC,, some were from poly, some were dropouts and some came back from overseas to serve the NS. If I were to be given the chance the relive the BMT for the next 1 year and 8 months with the same awesome people, I would. We have to move on and go on with our lives. Adaptability is an essential part of NS, we shouldn't just stay within the comfort zone where everything is about rainbows and sunshine. Time to time, we must move out of our comfort zone and seek for challenges and adventures, where our life will be more enriched. It takes a pair of hands to type out what I want for myself, but it takes a lot of strength to pull myself away from this comfort zone that never exist anymore. For the last 5 days of my BMT, Gabriel kept mentioning that he's going to miss us a lot when we're all split into our respective vocations. We didn't echo it but we all know that we felt the same way. After we knew where we were going for our vocational training, we were told to pack our lockers and get ready to move out of our bunks. I stepped inside our bunk and I looked at my locker, I told myself 'Screw this, I'm not gonna pack my locker.' This is the kind of familiarity that I want forever, and I just wanna stay inside that bunk with my det mates, jumping around, making sick jokes and insulting each other during our admin time. Kian Chang and I went to the gym on Saturday, and he told me what happened on the very same day. Jamie and KC went into our bunk, Jamie sat on his bed and he said "Screw this lah I dont wanna pack my locker!!!!". Then Jamie teared a bit. When KC saw Jamie tearing, KC teared a bit as well. The reason for those tears was obvious and no one has to ask. On the same day, I had lunch with Shawn, Gabriel and Gary. We were extremely quiet on that day, but I knew why I was quiet. Tears will well up in my eyes if I start speaking so I rather not say a word. Gabriel had a few mouthful of food, then he looked up and gave a big sigh. He looked at Gary, then Shawn, and then me. I looked back at him in the eye and we both know what we were thinking, then I looked away. I saw Gary's tears welling up in his eyes, as he looked at me and said "Hey, I'm gonna miss you a lot, I'm gonna miss have a music jukebox in the bunk." I couldn't control myself anymore, I was holding the tears by gritting my teeth. I took the last spoon and put my hands behind my head, laying back on the chair and pretending to look up. Gabriel knew what was going on, so he asked "You alright?" Tears welled up and I cried. I took my food tray away and went up to my bunk immediately. I went inside my bunk and saw Daniel Ong with his eyes red, but I went straight to the window to cool myself down. So my buddy came and asked me if I'm okay. "Would you miss the detachment after we're gone?" I asked him. He responded, "Erm I don't know, I like new opportunities." Sometimes I wish that I could be as emotionally strong as him. After about 15 minutes, I lay down on my bed and Daniel told me that it's okay to admit that I have cried, they all cried too. I hug Jamie immediately when i saw him around in the camp and we both said that we have already started missing our detachment. Our attachment for each other is just so strong and it's gonna be hard to let go. These are the people that has kept me motivated and strong throughout this 8 weeks and even though we will all be separated, we should really be glad that at least we had each other once :)

Here are the list of people in my detachment:
1) Timonthy Ong: He is our bunk IC and during the first few weeks of BMT, he guided us in whichever ways possible regarding the army stuff. He is the one that ensures that the whole bunk is clean so that we wouldn't get tekan by our sergeants. Its also partly because he is a bit of a perfectionist.

2) Lee Zhen Cheng: He's from Ngee Ann poly. He talks crap all the time, and sometimes, at the wrong time. I was quite annoyed by him during the last few weeks of BMT and now he is also in the demolition force. I guess I just have to accept the way he is and just endure his crap for another 2.5 months. Nonetheless, he is quite a person with character, and selfless at times.

3) Andrew Lee: He's from ACIS and he drives a BMW. He was from an acapella group in his school and hence, he became one of my singing buddy. A great guy to talk cock with, and a suitable person to ask advice from regarding relationship.

4) Toh Rong Fan: He's from JJC. He's a quiet yet a comical guy. He always sit in front of his locker and stone there, while listen to our conversation and laugh a bit whenever its funny. He has a really defining body and it's every guy's dream to have his body. Brendan described him as a turtle because he eats his food real slow and he really look like one.

5) Daniel Ong: He's from RJC and he's probably one of my greatest buddy that I've met in army. We are quite similar in many ways, one of which is that we're both not really an emotionally stable person. In another words, we cry very easily. I'm really glad that I've met him because he has been there for me the whole time. Whenever I feel down, he will be the first person that I'll talk to and he will give me advice that is helpful. Although he is from RJC, he's a humble figure and he doesn't make people feel inferior. He is definitely one of the people I wanna keep for the rest of my life.

6) Brendan Poh: He's from NAFA and he studied Fine Arts. He drew really well for our V3R vanguard sheet which basically is the defining body of Kian Chang. Although he is 3 years older than us, I don't feel any age barrier between us. He is quite a shy person but when he is in our detachment, he can be really wild sometimes. Its really a pity that he didn't make it through the BMT with us but we will always consider him as part of detachment 3!
7) Shawn We: He's from CJC. He is my buddy for this BMT and I must say that I have learned a lot from him. He didn't teach me anything verbally, but he has shown me many things during his action and his behaviors. He taught me adaptability: 5 days of field camp without bathing, he said it was fun. He taught me endurance: A back full of heat rashes during field camp, he didn't complain a single thing. Marching under the hot sun at approximately 42 degrees with a cough, he still push on while i became breathless shortly after. He taught me speed: Its not about fast, its about preparation beforehand. Every night before he sleeps, he would prepare everything for the next morning so that he wouldn't have to rush. I picked that up from him after a few weeks. During the field camp, he asked me, "Am I a good buddy?". I told him, "You're the best buddy I could possibly have." I really meant what I've said and without him, I might not be able to endure this BMT. He has taught me many things that I wouldn't get to learn elsewhere, he's definitely another person that I'd never wanna lose. We have similar interests, we love to shop and we love to jam music. During our free time, we would jam songs like Pumped up kicks, Runaway Baby, Grenade, Dynamite etc and we gave Hi-5 whenever we complete the song. During recruits' night, we jammed Please Don't Go on stage and it was really a great night and a great finale for my buddy and I. He's also an idiotic Grammar Nazi that never fail to correct my English such as 'me and my buddy' to 'My buddy and I'. I'm lucky to have him as my buddy.

8) Vicnesh: He's from YJC and he's probably the slowest and the most unorganized person in our detachment. Every morning we have to rush him to fall in and when there's only 5 minutes left, he would still take his time to brush his teeth. Very often, we would make fun of his perky man boobs because its really perky I swear. Nonetheless, he's a great guy to hang out with.

9) Kor Zhen Hong: He's from AJC and he's a really nice guy to talk to! Although he got Commando Gold for his IPPT, he remained humble about it and encouraged us to aim towards Commando Gold. Lucky to have him in our det as our motivator.

10) Jamie: He's from VJC and he's also a great national badminton player. He can be quite cocky about his badminton achievement sometimes and we would always try to put wet blanket on him. During the live firing at Nee Soon camp, he didn't get marksman for the first time and he finally get it for the 5th time. We would always make fun of him regarding his gunning skills and he doesn't get pissed about it too. A great person to talk about girls with and share about the past. He would also help me with my standing broad jump by teaching me a few useful exercise that trains my quadriceps muscle.

11) Daniel Tan: He's from JJC and we met each other during our vocational assessment. There's this time when the instructor told everyone to look around and help to do an attire check. So he turned and looked at my left shoulder, and then he asked, "Boy where's your IPPT badge?" Asshole hahahaha. Those that didn't not clear the IPPT will not get a badge and I'm one of them. But I've finally cleared my IPPT!

12) Dion: He's from AJC and he's another great guy to talk to. He's also my singing buddy especially chinese songs.

13) Anselm: He's from ACIS and his name really pronounced like 'handsome'. He has a twin brother in 
tekong. He's our hydration IC and I can safely say that he has done the most job in our platoon, respect!

14) Gabriel Kwek: He's from Oversea family school and throughout his lifetime, he has shifted to many different places around the world. We would always make fun of his American accent and he would always complain that the American accent is his natural way of speaking. I foresee him also as one of the greatest buddy of all time in my NS life. He's also the person that I hug the most in the detachment because he's soft and tender hahaha. We would sometimes make fun of him being gay and he would always play along with us. Sometimes he will say things like "Last night at 4am I dreamt that I was sleeping with you on your bed, then I woke up from that dream and went back into my own bed." Really a great person to hang out with and gonna miss having this sick person in our detachment!

15) Kian Chang: He's from SRJC and he's also another person with a great defining body that every guy dreams of! Ivy always mention to me about him and finally, fate brought us together, not just in commando unit, but also same platoon, and same detachment! We got close during the BMT and sometimes we would go to the gym together. He's the person that always share the same thought with me, mainly the thought of wanting to go Out Of Course and become a clerk. Now that he's in leader course, I hope that he will eradicate that thought and focus on being a great leader and then a great commando officer!

16) Gary: He's from JJC. He is slightly different from us as he's quite a socially awkward person. He told us that he doesn't really talk when he's in JC and he only started to open up to people when he came into our detachment. We helped him a lot, helped him to overcome stress that he couldn't take on his own, helped him to be more stronger and tell him not to allow anyone to bully him. I hope he will be a stronger person.

17) Wei Rong: He's from TPJC. He's one of the people that I often talk crap with and we have a common girl friend that we always talk about. He is also a motivation for me because he can run even though he has quite a big built. He's always a happy-go-lucky person and I guess we spend more time insulting each other rather than speaking properly hahaha.

We're not just buddies, we're a band of brothers :)

Last week was pretty goood, I spent the whole week with my band people and we have our first ever band concert on 19 January! My band journey really ended well with such an overwhelming concert and it is really heartening to see that many of the band people have grown to be more accepting of others, more respectful and more matured. The president of the band appears to me to be a role of a father to the band, besides having to oversee everything in band and making sure that everything is in place, I do care about their well-being in the band and outside of band. Every single band member is like a child to me and I feel responsible for them. Even after I'm no longer the father anymore, I still feel a sense of responsibility towards band, and at some point of time, you have to learn to let go and entrust the role to the next generation of leader. Letting go wasn't easy, but it certainly comes easier when you learn to trust the next batch of leaders. They are doing a great job and I'm really proud of the EXCO 2012/13 :)

Sometimes the worst feeling of all is that you want people to know that you're upset, but you pretended not to care. What doesn't feel so good is when the person you really care judges you from afar, without really bother to truly understand you. Often laugh along with them whenever they judge me, but deep down it really hurts, no matter how close that person is to me. You feel unjust for yourself, for which you know that you're not who they thought you are but you just didn't wanna clear it because you just can't be bothered to make good impression of yourself. My heart really sank but I still pretended not to care because they're just being true to themselves. So what if I tried to tell them that what they've thought of me isn't true? Probably ill get a "Yeah I'm just kidding." but deep down inside them thoughts would still remain unchanged. So just let the vicious cycle continues and live on.